All posts filed under: Mental Health

A Disorder Behind a Disorder

A Disorder Behind A Disorder My first memory as a child is of a little boy named Ian pulling down my pants in front of cars driving our neighborhood street, telling me to be Madonna while he pretends to be Dick Tracy. He had no doubt seen recently seen the famous film starring Warren Beatty and the infamous singer that has become synonymous with unbridled sex. I was exposed and vulnerable, alone with a friend who had seen a sex scene that should have been forbidden by his parents, this much I assume. Why it matters seems foreign to me and yet this is where it starts. A man named Reggie tells me we all have a disorder behind our disorder. Mine is bipolar disorder tho I know there’s something deeper. What doctors tell me is a vicious and never ending cycle of mania and depression must have a root that lies not in biology and chemistry but a psychological underpinning that can only be traced thru reflection and analytical perspective brought on by a …

Hope in the Form of an Exercise Bike

It’s 4 am and I haven’t slept in 3 days. As I pace the hallway of the first floor of my house I start to tell myself it might be getting to that time, that ever dreadful time, that I start considering going to the hospital. It’s a brutal reality of having Bipolar I disorder: mania driven by insomnia that always ends up with a shot in the butt and a week in a psych ward telling myself this will be the last time I come here. It never is. For over 7 years now, going back to 2010, I’ve been admitted to the hospital all of them. There has never been a year where I haven’t gone. It’s now November 2016, and I the last time I went was February of 2015; I thought for sure this would be the year that I broke the curse. By 4:30 am I’m sitting in the ER of St. Charles Hospital in Oregon, Ohio, circling a table in a small room waiting for the shot in the …