A tale of two faces

A Tale of Two Faces


Words By Michael Medlen and Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Story by Michael Medlen and H. Shakespeare



Inspired by the most beautiful face of them all. My Helen of Troy, even if she’ll fight to me the death over this!


Act 1 Scene 1


[Mike and Friend are sitting at a coffee table. Mike is in the dumps with head in his hands. The friend is a smoking a cigaret.]


Mike: I must break up with her.That’s the only logical conclusion to this problem. Yes that’s it.


Friend: And when you remember her face?


Mike: Then I must forget it.


Friend: You’d be the fool to do so.


Mike: Perhaps, and yet I might be the wiser. I could use a good night’s sleep.


Enter Butler


Butler: Dinner is served


Mike: Ah, just what I needed. A warm meal to take my mind off her face.


Butler: The chef prepared a salad.


Friend: They got you there Mike.


Mike: Dammit. Then I shall suffer during this meal and remember her face!


Friend: It is lovely!


Mike: It is lovely. She has a wonderful nose.


Friend: Pretty eyes.


Mike: She does have pretty eyes.


Butler: I rather prefer her chin.


Mike: Ah! She does have a nice chin!


Friend: Did you see the outfit she wore on the red carpet to the Grammys!


Butler: Oh lord. I shall leave you gentleman for the moment.


Butler leaves


Mike [aside]: They’ll hook me everytime. And damn if I can’t forget her face.


Friend: You can’t aside yourself out of this dialog Mike.


Enter Sia


Sia: Michael, she has lovely breasts as well.


Mike: Ah, like golden bosoms! Sia, how are you doing?


Sia: I’m doing okay. Have you checked out the new website?


Friend: Ah, Sia, what do we tell a man who is lost in love and trying to forget a woman’s face?


Sia: I would never show mine in the first place.


Butler pops head thru open door


Butler: That’s a smart one.


Mike [aside]: I can’t forget her face. Or that outfit. And yet I’m torn on how I feel.


Sia: Why don’t you just ask how she feels then?


Mike: You heard that?


Sia: Mike, this isn’t a play.


Butler: Oh lord, they’re going meta with this one. [Butler performs the cross and backs out of room]


Mike: To be or not to be….


Sia: Nope pal, you’re stuck with us now. And we have got you in our web. And she does have lovely breasts.


Friend: They are delightful.


[Friend takes a puff from the cigaret and blows a smoke ring]


[Mike starts pacing]


Mike [aside]: They are lovely. And that face is so serious. And yet so soft. And yet I shall forget it if it is the death of me.


Sia: Michael!


[Mike looks up from ground]


Mike: Excuse me, I was lost in a thought.


Sia: Why do you hide what you truly feel about her?


Friend: He’s lost in a guilt trip.


Sia: And yet we should not feel guilty. It was only a night together.


Mike: And yet it was lifetime of feelings.


Friend: These damn poets. Mike, you need to just calm down and have a sip of wine. You shall be fine.


Mike: I shall never be fine. I shall end this misery and tell her how I feel.


Sia: That’s a good decision.


Friend: That is a good decision. And she does have a nice face.


Mike: And a lovely nose.


Sia: Wonderful breasts.


Butler from off stage


Butler: {hollers] Don’t forget her chin!


,Mike: Then it’s settled. I shall dump her and never forget her face!


Sia: Uh uh uh. We don’t dump those that we love.


Friend: And she does have a nice face.


Mike: [sighs] And yet I must end it all. I shall never get over this evil deed I have performed.


Sia: [aside] A man after my own heart. Be still that fluttering organ of gold and let not his tongue melt that casket that stirs with every passing of his voice.


Friend: [takes another sip] These artists. So suicidal. And yet so sincere. You all just need a drink and need to chill.


Sia: [aside] And yet this one scorns love at every turn!


Mike: [aside] She doesn’t know that she is the thorn that drives me to the pills. She shall be the death and life of me, and I shall be the fool for ever sipping that delicious wine that is her soul.


Friend: Mike, they both have lovely faces.


Sia: Ah, Michael. We should just eat dinner already. Otherwise I shall go home.


Mike: Hm. A warm meal would be nice.


Sia: I was promised a salad.


Butler: [from offstage] Oh lord!


Friend: A salad does taste good Mike. Especially when they have those toasted almonds.


Mike: Ah. I always do forget about those almonds.


Sia: I like almonds. They are vegan.


Friend: I’m getting hungry.


Mike [aside]: They’ll distract me with the meals when the real issue is right in front of me. I shall persevere for the moment and one day end this misery that is an neverending night of love between two lovely faces. And when I get what I want, I shall escape this misery that is the thorn in my side.


Friend: A lovely soliloquy if there ever was one. Now lets eat. [Friend gets up from seat and puts arm around Mike] Let’s go pal. A fine meal awaits.


Sa: [aside] If only he knew how much I dreaded this meal with him as well. [to Mike and friend] Yes, let’s eat!


3 exit thru door.

expand dialog


end scene


Scene 2


Enter a man and women from stage right. Both in rags and fedoras. Man is chewing a carrot. Woman is playing with a shoe tie.


Man: What are they talking about?


Woman: Who’s that my dear?


Man: Why, those people sitting at the coffee table over there. I swear this play started without an inciting incident.


Woman: Ah, but there was one. It just happened off stage.


Man: But you can’t do that in a play!


Woman: Shh…this is post modern. You can do whatever you want.


Man: But I hate postmodern. I’m more of a classics kind of guy myself. [starts to chew carrot loudly]


Woman: [sighs] Ah men. They think they’re so romantic when it’s playfulness that a woman desires.


Man: [spits bite of carrot out] I’m chewing the carrot loudly.


Woman: You always chew loudly. And you snore! You’re such a bore!


Man: A bore! Why, I’ll show you. [starts to chase women around stage]


Woman: Ah, you shall never have me in this one!


Mike: And yet I shall!


Butler enters stage and addresses audience.


[they run off stage]


[expand dialog]


Act 1 Scene 3


Sia and Mike are eating dinner while friend is smoking a cigaret. The butler is now cleaning with a dust mop and has an apron on.


Friend: Well that got weird fast.


Sia: Friend, you eat so fast.


Mike: [aside] And I have hardly touched a thing. [to friends] The almonds were nice, but this meal isn’t warm.


Friend: [burps] I thought it was delicious.


Sia: [aside] How I wish that meal would have been warm.


Butler: Ahem, Sia asked for a salad.


Friend: Ah, someone else heard that one!


Sia: I thought it was delicious. Those almonds were extra crunchy!


Mike: [spits almond out] Mine were a little burnt.


Butler: [aside] I slaved over this meal.


Friend: Apparently not hard enough.


Butler: [Picks a flower out of a vase on coffee table in front of friend.] Hm… This one’s gotta go.


Friend: Ain’t going nowhere pal.


Butler: [aside] He says that for now.


Mike: [picking at food] How I wish I would have had a pot pie instead of this salad.


Sia: But I asked for a salad.


Mike: Yes, and I did oblige.


Sia: It was nice.


Mike: And yet I’m not full.


Sia: Maybe you should ask for a better meal next time.


Friend: Ah, it wasn’t bad. He told me himself afterwards.


Mike: I shall forget her face.


Friend: Not this shit again!


Sia: It is lovely. [spits out almond]


Friend: That nose is pretty damn cute.


Mike: [sighs] She does have lovely eyes.


Butler: [Picks another flower.] These buds gotta go.


Sia: Don’t forget those lovely breasts.


Mike: An apple would have made this meal better.


Sia: Perhaps two apples huh? [aside] How it hurts to talk this way.


Mike: Two apples that never seem to go away. And such a lovely face.


Friend: You’ll get over it pal.


Mike: Not when the one who is on my heart at the moment is away. And the one that is on my heart at the moment is there in front of me.


Sia: Mike, we did have fun didn’t we?


Mike: [starts to pick a salad] It might have been too fun.


Sia: Then why don’t you just tell her what happened.


Mike: I’d rather die than tell her such a wicked thing.


Sia: [aside] Then I am already dead. [to mike] But what is death if it will only hurt her more.


Friend: Even the dead remember those faces.


Butler: And these ghosts to haunt us.


Mike: I shall haunt her for the rest of my days then, just as she haunts me.


Sia: Would you honestly haunt her when you could have her for a lifetime?


Mike: And yet she would reject me if she knew.


Friend: She already knows pal. That’s what a friend is for.


Mike: [stands up violently] You wouldn’t!


Butler: [tosses the vase aside] This vase has got to go.


Sia: I only came for dinner. Not a boxing match.


Friend: And I came for a free meal. And a laugh. And now you insult me!


Mike: How could you!


Friend: I did you a favor. And she said it was fine.


Sia: Oh my.


Mike: And yet can I never show her my face again!


Sia: You could see mine every day!


Mike: Oh how I wish I could. And yet she stole my heart in the first place 8 years ago.


Sia: And yet you have had mine since yesterday.


Friend: Calm down. I called her on the phone and said you two had a friendly chat. It had a lousy ending tho.


Sia: [aside] That ending was terrible.


Butler: [starts dusting furiously] These dust bunnies just won’t leave!


Mike: And what did she say?


Friend: She asked why it was terrible?


Sia: [aside] He got a little shy, and yet that condom was too much.


Butler: Oh dear.


Mike: And that was all?


Friend: Well, what do you think?


Mike: And she doesn’t know.


Sia: [aside] She shall soon.


Mike: Then I shall forget her face.


Friend: Or for Pete’s sake. It was just one time.


Mike: And I loved her.


Sia: You loved who?


Mike: That’s the problem. Both.


Sia: Then couldn’t you have one for the moment and another for a lifetime?


Mike: And yet my heart has only room for one.


Friend: I could have both. Of course I’m gay. We can handle such a dilemma.


Sia: Surely you could enjoy what stays in the memory?


Mike: And that’s the problem. These memories never fade.


Sia: And yet that is what makes it so memorable.


Friend: If only I could forget. You people are insufferable.


Mike: And yet my heart breaks every time I remember.


Sia: And yet mine melts every time you utter such a phrase.


Mike: Then I am doomed and my fate is sealed. I shall end it soon.


Sia: [aside] Then I shall never forget him.


Friend: Neither shall I.


Butler: [picks up tossed flower on the ground] But it was a lovely vase.


Friend: And such a face.


Sia: And that nose. [aside] This one hurts.


Mike: And those eyes.


all sigh together.


end scene


Act 1 Scene 4


Man and women enter stage, now dressed as rag dolls.


Man: I still don’t get it? What the hell happened?


Woman: Didn’t you figure out the inciting incident already?


Man: No! How do you women deal with this?


Woman: [sits at coffee table and puts arm and hand] We just laugh. And sigh. And we try not cry.


Man: Cry! I just want to know what the hell is going on!


Woman: Oh dear. Must I explain everything to you?


Man: Are you calling me stupid?


Woman: Would it hurt if I called you a fool?


Man: Hm. I’m not sure how I feel about that insult. But it’s better than an idiot. [pause] Right?


Woman: Better than a clown.


Man: Than I am a fool!


Woman: [laughs] He walked into that one!


Man: Into what?


Woman: Now you’re putting me on?


Man: Am I?


Woman: [stands on table and points at him] I won’t let you do this to me!


Man: Do what!


Woman: Where is the friend when you need him?


Man: I just want an inciting incident!


Woman: Would a pamphlet help you with your dilemma?


Man: I’d settle for a Wikipedia article.


Woman: Perhaps a cigaret.


Man: Only when we’re done!


Woman: [jumps from table and stands face to face with man and puts arm on her sides] Then you are acting?


Man: Never said I wasn’t.


Taylor Swift in audience: Woah woah woah! I did not pay for that line. I demand a redo!


Woman: [to T Swift] Was that bad?


Taylor: Line was fine. Just want him to be a little more mean.


Men: I thought you said this was improvisation.


Taylor: Tell that to my checkbook.


Woman [ to man]: These damn investors. They’ll ruin them all.


Man: We are going to need a cigaret when we’re thru with this one…


[expand dialog]


fade to black


end scene


Act 2 Scene 1


Enter Stefani and assistant. Stefani still has on grammy outfit. Stefani sits at makeup table and starts to wipe makeup off in front of mirror. Assistant starts to brush her hair.


Stefani: I’ll tell you, these performances are starting to kill me.


Assistant: [pulls a chunk of hair out] I’m starting to see that.


Stefani: I wonder what Mike’s up to.


[Stefani’s phone rings]


Assistant: Heh. I’ll never get a raise if she never gets off that damn cell phone.


Stefani: Hi Brad.


Butler: [walks on stage and addresses audience]: And now from the prior night.


Butler walks offstage


Stefani (continues): It was lovely wasn’t it. How’d I look diving off that stage into the crowd? Oh yea, I totally planned that. But don’t tell Mike that. He’ll totally think it was improvised. Oh I know, he’s all about improvisation. Gotta keep that one impressed. Oh yeah. I don’t know where Sia was tho. She was supposed to be in the audience. I guess she missed her flight or something.


Assistant: [pulls out another chunk of hair] Stefani, I think you need to start wearing those wigs again.


Stefani: Quiet, I’m on the phone. [back on phone] Oh sure, I know he’ll like my outfit. I wish he would have been here tonight tho. I could have used him on that damn carpet. Oh I know, he’s camera shy. He never attends these things. Rather catch them on the tube. Yeah, I talked to him before I left. He said he might fall asleep before the performance. [laughs] Oh he better not. I’d kill him. [laughs again] Of course I’m just joking. Brad, you’ll believe anything.


Assistant: Hm.


Stefani: Wait a minute Brad. Why do you sound so serious all of the sudden? [gasp]


Assistant; [chunks start flying off] Huh she’s gonna fire me when she looks in the mirror.


Stefani: He did not. Him and Sia spent the whole night talking. And he’s honestly upset about that. Oh god, he’s such a dramatist. I know. Let me guess, wants to kill himself. He says it every year. And every year I fall for it. Not this time.


Assistant: I might have to kill myself after this one.


Stefani: Sh. This call might be important. [back on phone] Oh I know. He likes to call you friend. Oh, Sia does too huh. And she’s gonna have dinner with both of them. And I wasn’t invited. I don’t care if he tried to tell me. That’s bullshit. [pause] I’m gonna fool him this time. I’m gonna tell him I believe him when he tells me he slept with her this time.


Assistant: [Stefani is now bald] Oh fuck me. She think’s Mike joking.


Stefani: Sh… dammit.


Assistant: Stef. I think Mike might not be joking.


[needs more dialog]


Stef: Brad I can’t hear you. My assistant keeps bugging me. I have to let you go. [puts phone down] What are you’re trying to tell that’s so important.


Assistant: I said Mike might not be joking. He texted me last night with some cryptic message. I thought he was just playing one of his silly games but this time seems different.


Stef: And I’m supposed to believe he would try to tell you and wouldn’t say anything to me?


Assistant: Well. What would you say if he did?


Stef: What’s the fucking text say?


Assistant: Well. He did say he missed you.


Stef: And…


Assistant: It ended with a sad face.


Stef: And…


Assistant: And it was honest.


Stef: And…


Assistant: He said he knew I’d probably tell you everything the text said. Which is why he couldn’t tell me everything.


Stef: And that was all?


Assistant: Well…He said the ending was terrible. But he wasn’t talking about a book I don’t think. I think he meant something with Sia.


Stef: That’s because those two never shut up. They just start joking and then he starts to blush and I have to tell them both I trust them completely with all my heart.


Assistant: Well, Stefani. I think sometimes you’re a little too trustworthy.


Stef: And you’re implying what?


Assistant: I think he slept with her.


Stef: And I’m supposed to believe you now? Because Mike would tell you over me.


Assistant: Well Stefani… I think he was afraid you might kill him.


Stef: Oh he’s dead now.


Butler [walks back onstage]: And that is how we got in this mess.


Butler walks offstage.


Stef: So what now? I’m just supposed to believe you when you won’t even show me the text.


Assistant: Well, I promised him I wouldn’t show you it.


Stef: And who pays you?


Assistant: [puts head down] You do.


Stef: So show me the text.


Assistant: Uh uh.


Stef: Please.


Assistant: Uh uh.


Stef: You’re fired!


Assistant starts crying.


Assistant: Oh please don’t do this to me. You know I’ve been your assistant since the start. And Mike has always been so nice to me.


Stef: Then please show me the text.


Assistant: And what do I tell Mike?


Stef: That I made you do it.


Assistant: And you won’t fire me?


Stef: If you show me the text I might reconsider.


Assistant: [pulls phone out of pocket] Take it.


Stefani reads phone, then gasps.


Stef: That’s not cryptic at all.


Assistant: Well, I was trying not to hurt your feelings.


Stef: [throws phone down] That mother fucker is dead!


Assistant: So you won’t fire me?


[needs dialog]


Stef: [turns toward mirror and sees bald head and screams]


fade to black


end scene


Act 2 Scene 2


Man and Woman now enter stage dressed in suits and man walks with one of those gentleman cane things. Woman sports a monacle.


Man: Ah, I got it. They should just make art together and get the whole thing over with.


Woman: What about a 3some kind sir?


Man: No that would ruin the whole thing.


Woman: I don’t why I even said that?


Man: Honestly, that’s something I would say.


Woman: Did we just reverse roles?


Man feels his chest for breasts then feels his crotch.


Man: Well, at least they didn’t go that far.


Woman feels her crotch. Starts to scream.


Man: They didn’t!


Woman: Just fucking with you.


Man: You better prove it now.


Woman starts to unzip pants.


Taylor Swift (in audience): Woah woah woah. There are children in this audience. There will be no nudity.


Man: Ah shucks. I really wanted to see where that went.


Woman (zips pants back up): These damn investors.


Man: What can you say? I guess we really are in a play.


Woman: What can you do?


Man: What can you do?


Woman starts to tap dance.


Woman: Guess we just paint our faces and dance huh?


Man: A wise woman once once argued that was what got us in this mess. I have no idea what I’m talking about tho.


Woman: Oh really. And they didn’t put any makeup on your face?


Man: Don’t see me dancing do you?


Man starts to dance.


Man: Well shit. I guess I’m becoming a woman after all.


Woman: (stops dancing and leans head in) Feels kinda good doesn’t it?


Man feels crotch again. Starts to scream.


Woman: They didn’t did they?


Man: I’m just fucking with ya.


Taylor Swift (in audience): Woah woah woah. I did not pay for any swearing in this one.


Man: This bitch has got to go.


Trump look alike (in audience stands up): I’ll allow it.


Woman: You heard it from the president folks. He’ll allow it.


Man: Allow what?


Woman: Don’t even go there.


Man starts to dance again.


Man: And if i start to enjoy it?


Woman: I want a penis so bad.


Man: Oh you all do.


Woman: And if I get one?


Man: Oh they offered that to you huh?


Woman (starts to cry): I begged them for it.


Man (starts crying as well): Don’t worry. I begged for breasts too.


Butler walks onto stage: Ahem. Ladies and gentleman, we now excuse this play for an intermission. I hope these two have not scared you off yet. And yes, that is Taylor Swift in the audience. Hope she doesn’t Trump you.


End Scene


Act 2 Scene 3


Mike, Sia, and Friend are now playing basketball. Sia has on funny wig and sits on chair watching the men play.


Mike: I got it! I shall ask them both to make art for me.


Friend: And what the hell will that do?


Sia: I can hear you too you know. [aside] But only if he could hear me.


Friend: Ah he hears ya. He’s just choosing when to reply.


Butler is referring game.


Butler: This basketball is starting to lose its bounce.


Mike: Alas. It shall prove we can all hang out together and be friends.


Friend: And when she tells you there was never a problem to begin with.


Mike: Then I shall never forget her. And I shall always have her.


Sia: So you don’t want to end it now, huh? [aside] How I wish he did.


Friend: Jesus, Sia. Don’t give him ideas.


Mike: Well Sia. What do you say? Shall we make art together?


Sia: [aside] I tremble at what to say. [to Mike] And if I said yes.


Mike: Then it shall be done!


Friend: Wait a minute. Better text the right one and get her approval.


Ref: This ball just needs to bounce a little bit better.


Mike: [aside] Ah, that will be where they get me next. I’ll have to confront her.


Friend: You’ll have to see her face if you guys make art together.


Sia: She does have a lovely face.


Friend: Enough enough enough. That was done in act 1. We need to get this man over you.


Sia: He was never on me in the first place.


Mike: Oh how I wish that was true.


Friend: Won’t do that as an aside huh?


Sia: And if it wasn’t true?


Mike: Then Sia. How do I get over you?


Sia: I ask myself the same question every hour now.


Friend: You two just fucked. Get over it.


Ref: [tosses ball over shoulder] This game has to stop.


Mike: And yet it was more wasn’t it.


Sia: It was wasn’t it.


Friend: Jesus you two. Can’t you just call it a one night stand and end this romance.


Mike: And yet what would a romance be if it was for only one night?


Sia: Well… it would be special [aside] And yet not enough.


Friend: Ah christ.


Mike: It wouldn’t be a romance at all would it?


Sia: I’d wanna die.


Mike: And so would I.


Friend: And now i want to die too.


Ref: Well it’s about time. I feel this way all the time too.


Mike: I don’t know what to do.


Sia: Well. Have you ever thought of choosing me instead?


Mike: It has crossed my mind from time to time.


Friend: Which is why I told her in the first place.


Ref [blows whistle]: I call foul.


Mike: I’m over her aren’t I.


Sia: And if you were.


Mike: Then it is you who I shall choose.


Sia: And will you tell her then that is I you choose.


Friend: This is why I told her.


Mike: I guess I’ll have to.


Sia: And then you’ll stop trying to end it all.


Mike: I’m already over the feeling.


Friend: And yet now I want to pop some of those pills.


Sia: Then my heart shall break. And yet it shall feel full. You must give me time now to decide if is truly you I want. [aside] Tho it is him I do.


Mike: I don’t know how long I can wait.


Friend: Just let her sleep on it pal.


Ref just nods.


Mike: One night?


Sia: I shall not sleep.


Mike: Will you think of me?


Sia: Often.


Mike: And if I text you?


Sia: I would prefer a phone call.


Mike: I would oblige.


Sia: And if I offered you my bed.


Mike: It is a king size.


Sia: Quite the comfy one, huh?


Mike: It’s not comfort I seek. [aside] Tho it really is.


Sia: A heart.


Mike: Always has been.


Friend: And this is why I called her.


Sia: And if I gave you my heart.


Mike: You already have mine.


Sia. [sighs] Then I shall remain quiet and take my time. Can I have one night?


Mike: You shall have eternity if the answer is yes.


Sia: Oh lord. I feel the golden casket torn already.


Mike: And if it can be sewn?


Sia: Just one night.


Mike: I shall not sleep.


Sia: And neither shall I.


Friend stands up and addresses audience: And that is why I called her.


fade to black


end scene


Act 3 Scene 1


Enter Sia. A bare stage.


Sia: My oh my these nights grow long. And how my heart yearns for his face. And his eyes. And his nose. And his chin. And that wonderful soul. A soul I shall never have. Oh, how I can’t bear myself to tell him it will never work out. [pause] And yet it will! And it shall! [pause] But what of Stefani! How I love her like a sister. And at times like a mother. How can I bear to tear that which has already been torn? To take a piece of two and cut it down to four, that which should be one. I’d might as well have to throw my own organ into the grinder and call it a day.


Man walks onstage: What organ is she talking about?


Woman enters stage with him. Now wearing jumpsuit. Starts doing pushups.


Woman: 1…2…3…


Man: Hey, I’m talking to you.


Woman: Oh excuse me. Just getting ready for the heavy parts. What’d you say?


Man: I said what organ is she talking about?


Sia: And how do I love him.


Woman: You still don’t get it do you?


Man: I know they slept together. Got that down. But what is this organ?


Woman: It’s her golden casket silly.


Man: What the hell is a golden casket.


Sia: He shall be the death of me.


Woman: [sigh] Must I mansplain everything to you?


Man: Manspalain. Mansplain! MANSPLAIN! Just explain it.


Woman: [sigh] I can’t give this one away.


Taylor Swift: Please folks, this is a modern audience. Please help them out.


Woman: Geez oh peets. She’s talking about her heart.


Man: Oh, why didn’t she just say that in the first place?


Woman: You men. Have no sense of poetry. Or rhythm


Man: Hey, I just danced the last act.


Sia [dramatic gesture]: Woe is me!


Man: Oh god. This is poetry?


Woman: Gotta keep that audience entertained pal.


Butler walks onstage.


Butler: Ahem. This is where we remind the audience we condensed two scenes into one. Mrs. Taylor can be a little demanding at times. I apologize if this doesn’t suit your taste.


Butler walks offstage.


Woman: Even the woman ruin the poetry sometimes.


Man: Eh, we all do. Sometimes we just gotta get to the point. Love and all that jazz.


Sia: Oh woe is me! [starts sobbing]


Woman: Now do you hear the poor woman. He heart is literally being torn in two. We must keep watching.


Man: Then I guess we should wait our turn next time and wait till its our scene.


Woman: Tell to that to Mrs. Taylor.


Man: I just did.


expand dialog


Man and woman exit stage.


Sia: I know my heart is torn in two, but I shall not let it get cut into four. Nor shall it be dumped into the grinder. And yet what shall I do?


Stefani walks onto stage with new assistant behind her. Stefani is pulling her by a rope attached to a collar around the woman’s neck. New assistant is panting heavily.


Stefano: Jeez oh peets will you hurry up!


New Assistant: Will you slow down. I just need a glass of water.


Stefani: Oh my. Stefani continues walking with new assistant, bumps into Sia.


Sia: Oh, hey Stefani. [aside] How awkward to see her at such a time?


Stefani: [aside] This is really awkward. [to Sia] Hey Sia. How’s it going?


Sia: Just you know, giving a Soliloquy and all.


Stefani: A soliloguy, huh. He’s got you doing that?


Sia: Him. You mean…uh never mind.


Stefani: I know what happened.


New Assistant: Just a glass of water please.


Stefani: Quiet you. Now where we. Hold up. Slave…I mean new assistant, please fetch me a seat.


Slave….er…new assistant looks around.


New Assistant: But there is none.


Stefani snaps finger.


Stefani: Then you shall be it.


Stefani sits on New Assistant’s back.


New Assistant: At least she’s light.


Stefani: Now where we Sia?


Sia: We were talking about the weather.


Stefani: Nonsense. I know what you did.


Sia: You do!


Stefani: He told me everything.


Sia: He did not.


Stefani: Wanna make a bet. I saw it all in a text.


Sia: He did not film it! I know that’s a lie.


Stefani: NO! He told me about it in a text.


New Assistant: [panting] It’s true. She won’t stop talking about it.


Stefani: [to new assistant] Quiet you!


Sia: What did he tell you?


Stefani: You both had quite the conversation, huh?


Sia: And if we did?


Stefani: Quite the ending.


Sia: Well…it started out good. The middle was pretty great. Never ended with a bang tho.


Stefani: No kidding. And let me guess, that probably impressed you.


Sia: [aside] Why the hell would I be impressed with that?


Stefani: [aside] I would.


Sia: [aside] These asides are meant to be private.


Stefani [aside]: No shit.


Sia: Did he tell you what he said?


Stefani: I can already imagine.


Sia: [aside with whisper] And here is where I lie. [to Stefani] He said he missed you. That is why he couldn’t finish. [aside] And now the cut is complete.


Stefani: He really said that?


Sia: Cross my heart and swear to die.


Stefani: Then why’d you do it?


Sia: We weren’t supposed to get drunk.


Stefani: Let me guess…cheap wine?


Sia: Strawberritas to be exact.


Stefani: Oh god. And let me guess, he showed you one of his poems?


Sia: Just a snippet.


Stefani: Which one?


Sia: The one about a heart in a race.


Stefani: And let me guess. It was schmaltzy and sincere.


Sia: Almost like an Emily Dickinson poem.


Stefani: And you’ve never seen a guy write that way huh?


Sia: Not in my lifetime.


Stefani: Who kissed each other first.


Sia: That’s the problem. I don’t remember.


Stefani: On the lips?


Sia: No tongue.


Stefani: Did he go down on you?


Sia: He tried to but I refused.


Stefani: Would you let him?


Sia: Of course not. [aside] Unless he was mine.


Stefani: But he’s not. He’s mine.


Sia: Which is why I wouldn’t let him go down on me.


Stefani: Then why the hell didn’t you just go home?


Sia: Well, I guess it was just the moment.


Stefani: He played guitar too didn’t he.


Sia: Goddamn it. [starts sobbing] I can’t do this any longer. I know it’s you he longs for.


Stefani: Oh Jesus.


New Assistant: Yes, please Jesus. I think she let out a silent fart!


Stefani: Let me guess. He wants to die now doesn’t he.


Sia: That’s all he talks about.


Stefani: And you do too huh?


Sia: [sigh] Just a little.


Stefani: Then can you get over him?


Sia: It’s already been done.


Stefani: Then how do I get back at him?


Sia: Hm. You would have to get your revenge wouldn’t you?


Stefani: [sigh] I’d just pretend.


[expand dialog]


Sia: If I helped you out in this game would you forgive me?


Stefani: Of course. Even a woman like me would learn to forigve you.


Sia: And would you forgive him?


Stefani: I’d have to dump him for a while. Maybe over time I could forget.


Sia: You wouldn’t.


Stefani: It’s the only correct course of action. I have to do it this time.


Sia: Would you be mad then if I took him for a while?


Stefani: (stands up) You wouldn’t.


Sia: Well, I’d consider it.


Stefani: You really like him that much, huh?


Sia: It was a good poem.


Stefani: Geez. They’re all good poems aren’t they.


New Assistant: Mrs. Gaga. I really could use some water.


Stefani: And if I give you a water will you shut up?


New Assistant: I might.


Sia: Stefani, I think we need to stop this game. Just dump him and move on. The world has too many problems to be stuck on guy.


Stefani: Then it’s settled. I’ll dump him.


Sia: Hooray!


New Assistant: Ah, then she needs to go now! And I can get some water!


Stefani: But how will I ever get back at him?


Sia: In time we’ll think of something. For the moment tho we must settle this beef we have.


Stefani: There’s no beef. I just wish you two hadn’t done it.


Sia: As do I. But you know what they say. Once a sinner, always a sinner.


Stefani: We’re all sinners. And I shall dump him!


Sia: Then I shall help you get your revenge and forget his face!


Stefani: Then it’s settled. And I shall get over this!


Sia: As should I!


Stefani: Well then Sia. We must move on. And I must get going.


Stefani stands up and pulls on leash.


Stefani: This was a lovely chat but I think it’s time I go. I have a new album to work on and this slave…er I mean new assistant must be fed if she wants to live.


New Assistant: I could use a burger!


Stefani: You’ll get crackers and cheese.


New Assistant: But I just want water!


Stefani: Quet you. Now off.


Sia: It was fun seeing you!


Stefani: Yes it was. Until next time. [pulls leash. assitant starts to crawl behind her] Now where we headed again?


New Assistant: To the stuido!


sia needs final soliloquy


fade to black


Act 3 Scene 2


Enter man and woman, both dressed


Man: Wow, this is really starting to get serious isn’t it.


Woman: It is isn’t it.


Man: I don’t get it tho. Why do they love each other so much!


Woman: Hm, that is a good question.


Man: Oh so now you want an inciting incident?


Woman: Well, even Shakespeare used them.


Man: Sheakespeare would have written a better play.

Woman: You don’t like it?


Man: They just keep moping around. All he did was cheat on her!


Woman: Then you got the inciting incident!


Man: Well yeah, they did a flashback scene!


Woman: Then why did you say the play needed an inciting incident?


Man: I wasn’t saying that.


Woman; Yes you were.


Man: I did not!


Woman: Ah, this such a stupid argument. I kinda like this one. It’s got some heart to it.


Man: But there’s no action!


Two soldiers run onto stage with AK-47s in their hands.


Soldier 1: Gotta move soldier.


Soldier 2: We will fight for Stefani’s hoonor.


Explosions can be heard offstage.


Soldier 1: The enemy is upon us!


Man: Now that is what I’m talking about.


Woman: But that’s a play for a man, and this one is intended for women. We need this one!


Man: Yeah, but it could use a gun fight.


Stefani runs onstage with a beretta and soldiers outfit carrying a rifle.


Stefani: Alright men, this is it. Are we gonna kill the sonofabitch or what!


Soldier 1: We wouldn’t have signed up if we wouldn’t!


Soldier 2: Anything for you queen.


Man: Yeah. This is getting good now. All we need now is a good death scene!


Mike enters stage with a sword and a crown.


Mike: I shall fight you to the death on this one Stefani!


Stefani: As shall I. Men, on guard.


Soldiers start shooting guns at Mike. Mike dodges bullets and hides behind man.


Mike: My god, she’s really going to kill me over this!


Woman: Well why did you do it!


Man: Yeah pal, you should never cheat on your girlfriend.


Mike: It was the smell that got to me!


Man: Smell. What smell?


Woman: Oh lord.


Mike: That heavenly smell that only can be smelled on a warm night that arises betwixt her thighs.


Man: Wait a minute. You’re not talking about that are you?


Woman: I’m afraid he is.


Man: Oh lord.


Stefani starts marching towards the man and Mike.


Stefani: You sniffed her vagina! I’m gonna murder your dumbass.


Man: Oh Jesus Christ. Why did you sniff that?


Mike: She was wearing a skirt.


Woman: Oh now I get this one.


Stefani: So you should have told her to go home!


Mike: She didn’t have on underwear!


Man: Oh wow. Kinda understand what’s going on now.


Woman: Oh now you get it?


Soldier 1 shoots gun. Soldier 2 accidentally gets shot.


Soldier 2: I’m hit! I’m hit!


Soldier 1: Oh shit. Wrong man!


Stefani: No time for mourning boys. We must destroy the enemy!


Soldier 1: It’s too late for me. [falls to ground] I’ll never see my mom again will I?


Soldier 2 falls to ground and lifts soldier 1’s head up.


Soldier 1: Don’t go buddy.


Stefani: We have to keep moving or the enemy will evade us again!


Mike: Do you hear that? She calls me the enemy.


Woman: You deserve to get shot for what you did!


Man: This is starting to get good.


Mike: But she wasn’t wearing any underwear. I’m just a fool for that heavenly b.o. that can only be attained on a warm June night when the air conditioner is turned off and we’re lounging in my bed.


Stefani: Your bed! YOUR BED! I paid for that. That’s OUR bed!


Mike: But it was for my apartment. You were only supposed to be my benefactress!


Man: Ooh. I think we’re going to need another flashback!


Woman falls in line behind Stefani.


Woman: You’re right! The enemy must be defeated!


Stefani pulls handgun out of belt holster.


Stefani: You’re gonna need this!


fade to black

Act 3 Scene 3


Stefani is sitting on a ground strumming an acoustic guitar. She has on hugger jeans and dressed like Holly Golightly from the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Stefani starts to sing the oscar winning song “Moon River.”


Enter Mike, stage left, book in hand. He’s dressed in skinny khaki’s and a white hoody. He’s paces stage reading.


Stefani continues to sing.


Mike: (while reading) So that is the plight of man! Ah I get it now! [starts reading furiously, blowing thru the pages] What book is this! Oh they’ll want to know.




Mike: Wait a minute. What is that song?


Stefani continues to sing.


Mike: Such a lovely song. And yet where doth it come from? Methinks it might have aroused from that supsicious looking character over there.


Stefani continues to sing.


Mike: Hm. And yet she doesn’t seem to notice me. Is there something with my look?


Trump-look alike from audience: You look good kid!


Mike: Is it my hair. My clothes? My face?


Taylor Swift: Now this is what I paid for!


Trump look alike: Got good style kid.


Mike: How do I get her attention?


Stefani finishes song and pulls out a sandwhich from her lunch box. She starts to eat the sandwihch.


Mike: That song. I know it from somewhere. And that face. Why that can’t be? No it is! That’s Lady Gaga. Singing “Moon River”. Now I have to talk to her.


Just then a man dressed up as Shakespeare walks onto stage with ink quill in hand and a scroll.


Shakespeare: Ah to be or not to be. That is the question.


Shakespeare bumps into Mike while head is down.


Shakespeare: Ah excuse me fair lad. I’m seem to have been lost in a thought.


Mike: Quite alright. I seem to be lost in a gaze.


Shakespeare: Ah, what has your sight struck?


Mike: A wonderful face!


Shakespeare: Doth she have lovely hair too!


Mike: Blonde as platinum. Artificial and yet so sweet.


Shakespeare: That one is too good not to say a word to.


Mike: You’re right. I must say hi!


Shakespeare: Then what am I doing in this play? And where’s my globe! Wait, what era am I in? And how did I arrive here?


Mike: You’re not…are you Shakespeare?


Stefani starts to chew loudly with mouth open.


Stefani: I just wish they’d let me talk already!


Shakespeare: Better hurry this one kid. Even I can’t write you out of this romance.


Mike: Ah Shakespeare, before you go then, can a writer get advice from a fellow writer?


Shakespeare: Shoot kid.


Mike: How does one get the attention of such a hard to obtain woman. One with such a lovely face?


Shakespeare: Put another woman in there and she shall be yours.


Mike: You mean, write another woman in the play.


Shakespeare: They need the parts.


Mike: And she shall be mine?


Samuel Becket walks onstage and interrupts the two bards.


Becket: Pals, no woman belongs to any man. They are all their own.


Shakespeare: Ah, and who is this gentleman?


Mike: That’s Samuel Becket.


Becket: The one and only.


Shakespeare: If only they had sci-fi in my time!


Becket: Now Mike, I know you’ve read one of my plays. And I know you stole my style. But even I would write a kind scene here.


Mike: Who said I wouldn’t be kind?


Shakespeare: Well, he hasn’t read all my work.


Becket: Michael, Shakespaere will get you to cheat on her eventually just to win her heart forever. You can’t do that.


Mike: But I’ve never even met her.


Becket: Then why don’t you just say ‘hi.”


Shakespear: Ah, just say “hi”! Never heard that word before. I shall use it!


Mike: You really think so Sam?


Becket: Honest to god that’s what you should do.


Mike: Then I shall say “hi”.


Becket puts arm around Shakespeare: Think God Shaw didn’t get involved with this one.


Shakespeare: I don’t who you’re talking about, but I hope to do some time travelling again.


Bekct: We all do.


Shakespeare and Beckett walk offstage.


Mike: Just say hi.


Stefani: [aside] I wish that man over there in those hot khakis would just say hi to me.


Mike: Hm. But how do I say hi while she eats?


Stefani throw sandwhich behind her shoulder.


Stefani: [aside] Well that meal is done!


Mike: Oh, she’s done eating. Here’s my chance! Wait, I’m too afraid. What if she rejects me!


Stefani: [aside] Dammit!


Mike: Oh, only if she’d play that guitar again. And a song I know. I could spark up a conversation over something we both know about.


Stefani picks up guitar and starts playing Iron Man.


Mike: Oohh “Iron Man”. I now have an inciting incident. [Mike walks over to Stefani] Excuse me miss.


Stefani: [Stops playing] While hello there sir. Fine afternoon!


Mike: Ah, it is a fine afternoon. Such fair weather for a June day. Not too warm. I must ask, was that “Iron Man” you were just playing.


Stefani: It was. Did you like it?


Mike: It’s wasn’t bad. Where’d you learn to sing like that?


Stefani: I’m just a natural.


Mike: [aside] I know she’s had lessons. I’ve read her wiki page. [to Stefani] So you like heavy metal?


Stefani: It’s the best.


Mike: I think I’ve seen you before.


Stefani: Oh, and where would that have been?


Mike: You’re not Lady Gaga are you?


Stefani: Who’s that?


Mike: [aside] Wait, maybe this isn’t her.


Stefani: [aside] I like this one.


Mike: You’re Lady Gaga aren’t you?


Stefani: And I was.


Mike: I don’t know. I never would have said hi to you.


Shakespeare walks back onstage and addresses the two young lovers.


Shakespeare: If I may, can I give you two some advice?


Stefani: Sure Shakespeare.


Mike: Why not?


Shakespeare: Let Mike take a tip from an actor. Let the improvisation be natural and delightful and give credit where it is do. That is not Lady Gaga.


Stefani: And if it is?


Shakespeare: Wait, you really got her to act in this play?


Mark Cuban walks onstage.


Mark Cuban: This is really going to be a one night performance huh?


Stefani: Oh no. They’re giving it all away.


Taylor Swift: I told them I give it all away.
Just then, Red Hot Chli Pepper look a likes run onstoage and start playing “Give it Away”


Mike: I just wanted to say hi.


Shakespeare: Hi. I must really learn to use that word. But before I go, shall I give you two young lovers some advice?


Mike: Can’t see why not?


Stefani: I know when to take good advice.


Shakespeare: Make this one a happy ending, please. But give them some drama before you get there. And Mike, just ask her out on a date.


Mike: I wouldn’t know how. Her face is too lovely.


Shakespaere: Hm. Then Stefani, please ask this man out on a date. I really am starting to believe he would never talk to you.


Stefani: Then why I am playing Holly Golightly?


Shakespeare: I don’t know who that is. In my time we just paid doweries and got this negotiation over with.


Stefani: Hm. I could pay for him couldn’t I?


Mike: I could use a benefactress.


Shakespeare: Now we’re getting somewhere. I shall leave you two young birds alone then.


Mark Cuban needs more dialog.


Shakespeare walks offstage. Chilli Peppers exit stage.


Stefani: So you need money?


Mike: Well, see that’s the problem. I’m working on a play right now and need as much free time to finish it. But I also need a job. But if I get a job I’ll have no time to work on this play. And therein is my crucible.


Stefani: Hm. So if I gave you an allowance to work on a play you would write for me?


Mike: Hm. That could be romantic if we spun it right.


Stefani: Ever consider politics?


Mike: I’ve volunteered for a campaign or two.


Stefani picks up guitar and starts strumming furiously: I can do blues too.


Mike: Oh you could huh?


Stefani starts sing to boyish man.


Mike: You’re starting to win me over.


Stefani: You had me at hello.


Mike: But I only said hi.


Stefani: Then maybe we should meet again.


Mike: Can I get your number?


Stefani: Just write me an email sometime and I’ll respond.


Mike: I can write a word or two. But I would have to see you again.


Fade to black


Act 3 Scene 4


Man and woman enter stage weraing [insert clothes]


Man: Ah, so that’s how they met.


Woman: That is not how they met.


Man: Wait a minute. So you’re telling me that was a lie?


Woman: It’s a play.


Man: [screams] We’re in a play!


Woman: Oh stop that joke already. It’s been done.


Man: I know. I’m just getting a little too into it. But I really want to know how they met.


Taylor Swift: Ahem. I did not pay for this dialog.


Man: Well what do I say? I was never given a script.


Woman: Will you let me start this dialog then? Please.


Man: And let me guess, you’ll start asking me to call myself a feminist next.


Woman: Oh you men are so stupid!


Man: I just want to know how they met?


Woman: Why don’t you care how MIke and Sia met then?


Man: Wait, that is Sia?


Woman: Oh lord, he never introduced her name in act 1 did he?


Mike: [from offstage] I did too!


Woman: Well I apologize then. I seem to be lost in this one as well. It is good isn’t it?


Man: They put an action scene in there. I’m kind of digging it now.


Woman: Then maybe we don’t need to see how Sia and Mike met do we?


Man: Well, I did get my inciting incident. I guess I could let my imagination roam just a little bit.


rxpand dialog


Fade to black


Act 4 Scene 1


Friend and Sia convince Mike he needs to pretend to commit suicide to win back Stefani


Act 4 Scene 2


Man and woman


Man: This is going to be a short act isn’t it.


Woman: Well, it’s the fourth one. This one isn’t that important.


Man: Actually I disagree. We need the turn.


Act 4 Scene 1


Assistant is sitting on ground with a can begging for change. Man now still in dress clothes walks past her.


Assistant: Change for the poor sir.


Man: Why, how dare you ask such a rude question.


Asistant: Just a penny?


Man: And if I said no.


Woman walks onto stage.


Woman: Ah, just give her a dime already you cheapscate.


Man: And if I say no.


Assistant: Any change will do.


Woman: What happened you poor gal?


Assistant: Lady Gaga fired me.


Woman: That’s terrible.


Man: Won’t fool me.


Assistant: She said I made her bald. But I swear it was only an accident.


Man: I thought she wore a wig.


Assistant starts to cry: Hasn’t for years.


Woman: And now you’re on the street begging for change.


Man: Been there.


Woman: Oh shut up. Your heart could freeze beer.


Man: Could use a cold one.


Assistant: As could I.


Woman kneels down to assistant: There there. Don’t cry. These celebrities come and go. And I heard Katy Perry is always hiring.


Man: She kissed a girl and like it.


Assistant: Oh it doesn’t matter. I was only 5 years a way from a raise.


Woman: 5 years from a raise! And you wanted to stay with her?


Man: Makes sense.


Woman: [to ma] Quiet you. [to assistant] And you honestly were just hoping for a raise.


Assistant: I ask for one all the time.


Man: Did you get any benefits.


Assistant: Well, I did get a lot of vacation time.


Woman: How many weeks dear?


Assistant: 5 weeks.


Man: That ain’t bad.


Woman: [to man] Quiet you. [Back to assistant] Ignore him, he’s just a rotten republican.


Assistant: I used to be one too.


Woman: Oh honey. I was one too. Trust me, we get over it.


Assistant: But that’s just it. I can’t.


Woman: Let me guess. You loved her.


Assistant: Maybe.


Man snickers


Woman: [to man] Don’t you say a word. [to assistant] And let me guess. You’re heartbroken.


Assistant: She had such a lovely face.


Woman: Oh dear.


Man: It was lovely, wasn’t it. Such fine breasts too.


Woman: Quiet you.


Assistant: I got to see them all the time. [starts sobbing heavy] Oh why did it have to happen?


Woman: Dear dear dear. It can’t be all that bad. At least you got to have some good memories.


Assistant: But it was her I wanted. And she gave me him. And now I can’t get over either.


Woman: And who is he.


Assistant: His name was Mike. He was her secret boyfriend.


Man: Trust me, it wasn’t that much of a secret. I saw them on TMZ.


Woman: And let me guess. You got caught in the middle.


Assistant: He told me he cheated on her!


Woman: And now you got fired because she went bald.


Man: Not the first time this has happened.


Assistant: I swear I was only brushing her hair! She just gets so stressed all the time. I didn’t mean to do it.


Woman: There there. We all lose our hair from time to time.


Man: Haven’t lost mine.


Woman: Oh shush already. Can’t you see the poor girl is down on her luck literally begging for change.


Man: I guarantee you she got a termination packet.


Woman: Well, did you?


Assistant: She called it severance pay. I got a ferrari. [pulls out clicker. a loud BEEP]


Woman: And let me guess. You wanted her.


Asisstant: I just miss her so much.


Man: I bet that ferrari is fun to drive.


Assistant: It’s a stick shift!


Woman: Oh honey. Those things are easy to learn.


Assistant: But I can’t figure it out!


Woman: Honey, just give it time. Those sticks aren’t that complicated.


Man: I think I get this one. Maybe I’ll give her a quarter.


Assistant: But I don’t like a stick.


Woman: Well, I can’t blame you for saying so. They can be hard to drive. You have to keep playing with the damn thing and sometimes it gets stuck. But it is a ferrari.


Assistant: But she promised a viper for our 10 year anniversary.


Man: Well, you could always sell the ferrari.


Assistant: It was used! And I got a dent when I crashed into the guard rail.


Woman: Oh honey. Those dents can be fixed.


Assistant: I know!


Man: Oh dear. I feel a tear coming. Just take the fucking quarter already. [plops a quarter in the can]


Assistant: I’m ruined!


Woman: Honey, you’re not ruined. She didn’t just give you a ferrari did she?


Assistnat: Well, I did get 5 months severance pay.


Man: I want that quarter back.


Woman: Well, 5 months is enough time to get a job. You don’t have to beg for change just yet.


Assistnat: But I just miss her.


Man: That damn lovely face.


Assistant: Such beautiful eyes.


Woman: Oh hoghwash. You too and your worship of this damn lady. I tell you girl. You have to snap out of it. Get a pedicure. Learn to drive that stick. And you can always trade it in for a Honda.


Assistant: [sniffles] A Honda?


Woman: Of course. Don’t you know those ferrari’s have a lot of resale value?


Man: It is true.


Assistant: Even with a dent?


Woman: Even with a dent.


Assistant: And I can get a Honda?


Man: They are reliable. Usual come in automatic. You could avoid those sticks altogther.


Assistant: Mike always said to invest in a Honda.


Woman: Then Honey, what’s the problem? You don’t need to start begging for change.


Assistant: Maybe I don’t. Oh but I just miss her so.


Man: We all do. But you’ll always have her albums.


Woman: Oh that will only make things worse. No, what you need is a new artist to work with.


Assitant: Well, Beyonce is kinda cute.


Man: She is.


Woman: Could you consider working with a man?


Assistant: Maybe.


Man: We can be nice. When we have a reason to be.


Woman: I get that one. Then why not try a man. They can let you down easy.


Assistant: They can.


Man: Some of us appreciate Hondas more than we do those Ferraris.


Woman: Well at least you’re starting to talk with a decent bone in your body. Now honey, that settles it. We get you set up with a nice man. And these mean women will never break your heart again.


Man: Trust me. We all go bald. We just accept it. And I would never fire over such a trivial matter.


Assistant: You wouldn’t? Could I work for you?


Man: Well…


Woman: Don’t you answer that. Trust me, he swindle you out of your home. What you need is a young one. Preferably a pretty boy. Have you ever considered Nick Jonas?


Assistant: I like the Chains song.


Woman: So do I. And I haerd he could use a beatufil woman such as yourself.


Assistant: You mean it.


Man: Trust me. My wife never lies.


Assistant: Would he love me.


Woman: In time.


Man: Trust her, she never lies.


Assistant: And would I get a raise?


Woman: You would have to ask him. But I don’t see why it would be out of the question.


Assistant: He is kinda cute.


Man: She’s turning.


Woman: Shush. Trust me dear. You can always find another woman if you don’t like him. But just try him out. Not all those sticks are bad.


Assistant: Would he take me on road trips?


Man: I heard he likes those Hondas.


Woman: I heard he does too. And I heard he’s looking. He’ll probably marry you one day.


Assistant: That would be nice. But I’ll probably still miss her.


Woman: You will. But in time she shall fade. And trust me, you’ll always have those memories.


Man: They are nice.


Assistant: Well, if you say so.


Woman: Then it settles it. You shall work for Nick Jonas.


Man: Just keep the quarter good. And buy yourself a piece of gum.


Assistant: Okay.


fade to black


Act 4 Scene 2


Enter Sia and Friend. Coffee table and chair on stage.


Friend: Wait a minut, this isn’t our scene.


Sia: And yet here we are!


Friend: But the man and woman were supposed to come next!


Sia: Mike broke the structure up! [aside] How I love him so much.


Friend: But that’s bullshit. This was supposed to be my pee break.


[needs transition]

Sia: What are we going to do! Mike is moping in his bed watching Celebrity Apprentice. I’ve never seen him down in the dumps like that.


Friend: Ah, so you’re starting to regret what you did, huh?


Sia: I did talk to Stefani.


Friend: And let me guess, she said she’d dump him.


Sia: I told her I’d help her get her revenge.


Friend: You vindictive woman! Can’t you see he hurts! His heart bleeds for you two and you conspire to get your revenge.


Sia: What if we did it in a way that got them back together?


Friend: Then you’d be over them huh?


Sia: Never. But I could live again.


Butler enters stage on rollerblades with hockey stick.


Friend: Even I can’t explain that.


Butler: Don’t ask. Mike might be smoking weed right now as he writes this.


Sia: I think I know how I can get them together.


Butler swirls around her.


Butler: Please make it gentle. That man is starting to treat me like Stefani’s assistant at times.


Friend: I’m all ears Sia. Even I can’t think myself out of this damn act.


Sia: Well, I think it would invole an eavsdropping scene like the one in Much Ado ABout Nothing.


Just then Shakespeare walks on stage.


Shakespeare: A hero. Such a fine name that they’ll never get. They never get my work.


Friend: Hm, this is starting to get good.


Sia: Hi Shakespeare!


Shakespeare: Hi Sia.


Sia: Been enjoying the 21st century much?


Shakespeare: I’m starting to get used to it. Have you guys ever seen Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. What a delightful film. I’d love to meet that Mozart guy.


Friend: Ah, this is starting to get real good.


Shakespeare: You know Sia, I think Mike picked the wrong star of this play. I think it should be you.


Butler: Oh Lord! [skates offstage]


Sia: Is that so Shakespearee!


Shakespeare: Yes. If I had written this play I would have devoted a career to you. And yet here we are devoting our time to that whench that is Stefani.


Sia: I don’t think she’s a wench.


Friend: I do!


Shakespeare: These wenches will drive a man to suicide. If I had written this play I would have written it so that she gets tamed.


Sia: Ah Mr. Shakespeare, you haven’t written that one yet have you.


Shakespeare: Written what?


Sia: Oh nothing. One day a good play will come out of this. But Mr. Shakespeare, could you help us out of a pickle?


Shakespeare: A pickle huh? And what is a pickle?


Friend: It’s green and tastes like shit.


Shakespeare: Why would anyone want to taste shite?


Sia: Oh Shakespeare, they taste delightful. They’re very salty.


Shakespeare: Hm, and if this pick is salty it would help us thru a dark winter wouldn’t it?


Sia: A very long winter. One in which my favorite shall kill himself.


Shakespeare: Hm, over a lover huh.


Sia: Wrote that one already.


Shakespeare: This play might need a twist huh?


Sia: A man must convince himself he needs to die to show a woman is he devoted to her and her only.


Shakespeare: Hm, but if that man doesn’t do it?


Sia: He might be an actor then.


Shakespeare: Hm, and if this actor knows his death is for show.


Sia: He might move the audience of one to tears.


Friend: Won’t work. He’s tried it before.


Sia: But if she believes it this time.


Shakespeare: Then this man needs a bush and a humor to match his wits.


Man and Woman enter stage with large bush in hands.


Man: Why the hell do they have us doing this manual labor?


Woman: Huh, this was supposed to be a romantic play.


Man: But you wanted post-modern.


Woman: This might be getting post-post-modern.


Shakespeare: Hm, and where shall we place this fine shrub?


Man: There’s a thing called post-post-modern?
Woman: Don’t ask. Even I get tired if these white male writers.


Man and Woman walk to center of stage and place bush down.


Man: Well, at least I got a pee break for this scene.


Woman: The women’s line was too long. [Starts holding herself.] Oh lord, I might have to go really bad.


Man and woman run offstage.


Shakespeare: I’m starting to like this post-post-modern stuff. It’ll never work in my time sadly. But if I were to come back in this time, I would write under a new pseudonym.


Sia: And what would that be W. Shakespeare.


Shakespeare: I’d change one letter and remain a mystery.


Friend: Just say H. and the audience will get it.


Shakespeare: Then I won my battle with time.


Sia: Mr Shakespeare, what can we do now that we have our bush!


Shakespeare: Ah, my dear Sia, that is your name isn’t it? What we need now is a comedic scene in which we convince Mike to fake his death.


Sia: And if Mike fakes his death?


Shakespeare: Ah, well then, he’ll need an audience!


Friend: Ah, I’m starting to like the idea. We’ll convince him to fake his death and then Stefani shall walk in on him and think he’s really done it!


Sia: And if Stefani think’s he’s really done it she’ll feel remorse for being so mean to him all the time!


Shakespeare: And if Mike sees that she feels remorse he shall have seen her heart still quivers for him.


Sia: Alas, my poor heart still quivers as well.


Shakespeare: And it shall ache for far longer. Such is the nature of a foul romance. Be glad this isn’t a tragedy and that you are not the face facing the sharp end of the blade.


Sia: Oh, that’s so romantic. And how I wish I could that point just once.


Friend: Nonsense Sia. You’re a beautiful woman full of youth.


Shakespeare: Great voice too.


Sia: You think so?


Shakespeare: As that whistle like the squeel of the horn. No man can resist such a moan.


Friend: That man has a way with words.


Sia: But what shall I do when my squeel squeels for Mike?


Shakespeare: Ahem, I could always use a new muse now that I’ve entered the 21st century.


Sia: Hm, I do like these writers.


Friend: You know Shakespeare is kinda hot.


Sia: But what about your wife in Avon? Don’t you have a child?


Shakespeare: We don’t speak very often. Besides, I finished the tempest and now have grown withered. And your timeline has no other knowledge of my last days besides a bed that has been willed to her. This could work out.


Sia: [starts sings] I’m, gonna swing.


Friend: Well, that got this settled.


Just then Mike enters stage, tissue box in hand. He blows nose loudly and starts wailing.


Mike: I shall end it tonight.


Shakespeare: Is that so Medlen?


Sia: [to friend] Quick! We must get in place.


Mike: Ah, Mr. Shakespeare, what shall I do? The love of my life has discovered my evil act of sleeping with another woman. And now I must confess my sins. I’m afraid I can’t face the demon that is such a lovely face.


Shakespeare: Ah, but Mike. Why must this task be so difficult. Surely she can forgive, can she not?


Mike: Ah, but Shakespeare, that’s just it. She can be so mean and difficult. She never understands how I truly feel. When my body aches for a limb she’s never near.


Shakespeare: Ah, the longing of a bird. I know the feeling too well.


Mike: And when she tours my bed grows cold and wearisome. It’s too much some times.


Shakespeare: A bed made for two is meant for two.


Mike: Then how do I explain to her it was mistake! That I was just caught in a moment of despair! That is was her I longed for the whole time!


Shakespear: Hm, that is the question. Perhaps no words can melt a heart cast in iron. Perhaps the solution to such a dreary riddle is already upon your lips.


Mike: Then I shall end it!


Shakespeaere: Ah, but Mike, you’re so quick to exstinguish a flame that has plenty of wick to hurt. Why not simply perform something, shall we say, more symbolic?


Mike: Symbolism, huh? I don’t follow.


Shakespeare: Look, see that bush over there. Why don’t you hide behind it and just pretend to listen to a conversation between me and two close faces that shall remain in this play for a little while longer.


Mike: You mean eavesdrop?


Shakespeare: I don’t know the language of that word but I think you catch my meaning. Just give it a try.


Mike: I shall obey!


Mike prances behind bush.


Sia: This is us!


Friend: Ah about time. I still haven’t had my pee break.


Sia and Friend waltz up to Shakespeare.


Shakespeare: Ah Sia and Friend, how does the time fly.


Sia: Oh, it flies alright. Now that I’m over Mike I think my heart shall find a new quiver to pierce is golden armor.


Mike: [aside] Methinks she doesn’t kid!


Shakespeare: And if that quiver is the greatest tongue that has ever licked the page?


Sia: Oh, Mike never did that. He’s more of a thruster if you catch my drift?


Frined: It’s true. I’ve heard the rumors.


Shakespeare: Ah, then this Mike character isn’t the right one for you is he?


Mike: [aside] Oh it’s true! My head pushes farther than a tongue that has no appetite for a meal.


Shakespeare: Then if you’re over Mike, Sia, maybe Stefani can get over her own jealousy?


Sia: I heard she still cares about him. She just wants to dump him to prove to him she won’t put up with it anymore.


Friend: Sounds like Lady Gaga to me.


Shakespeae: Ah, but the riddle remains. How do we prevent such a tragedy in the start? Surely her heart can be won over before such a crime shall be committed.


Mike: [aside] Oh, if only a criminal could prove he was in the wrong while still maintaining justice!


Sia: Perhaps if Mike could really show her love her?


Friend: Impossible. I know her too well. She’s too much for dramatics. She’d only accept his head on steak.


Shakespeare: Ah, but that’s just it. Mike has already committed to killing off his own seed. Perhaps then we should only encourage such a noble endeavor?


Sia: But Mike must live for Stefani to live. If he kills himself then Stefani will only do the same!


Friend: It’s too. I’ve known her for a couple of years now.


Mike: [aside] Hm… they are right. Stefani could never bear to see me dead when her heart surely still begs for me!


Shakespeare: Ah, but ladies and gentleman, this is still a play! And Mike is a playwright. Even he could see the comedy of staging a scene that is still a scene.


Sia: Ah, Mr. Shakespeare, are you suggesting Mike fake his own death so that Stefani believes he committed suicide!


Friend: Mike would be into that.


Shakespeare: I merely ponder a thought that should not be thought. And yet the thought has been thought. Surely the thought has purpose?


Mike: [aside] Ah, a fake death. That would be symbolic of my devotion for her! And I’ve never been one to really do it. I merely exaggerate!


Shakespeare: Then that is the key to this play. Mike should fake a death that should and call it a tragedy, when it is a comedy that the audience begs for.


Sia: Oh Shakespeare, you are the greatest!


Friend: It’s true. I’ve read your works.


Shakespeare: Ah Sia, that whistle shall be the calling of Pan to the child I’ve always been. I think I shall remain in this era and become a student of a muse that has such a lovely face!


Sia: Oh Shakespeare, you’ve won me over!


Friend: Ah, then all’s right the world!


Shakespeare and Sia hug


fade to black


Act 4 Scene 3


Man and Woman enter stage dressed in…. Man is whistling a happy tune.


Man: Ah, I’m started to get this romance stuff!


Woman: Let me guess, it was Shakespeare that hooked you?


Man: Well, that and Sia can really sing you know? I think that whistle of hers needs a Shakespeare in her life.


Woman: Oh, but we all need a Shakespeare in our lives?


Man: What are you trying to imply?


Woman: Oh nothing. I just need a poem or two once in a while rather than a good thrust.


Man: Oh lord. You’re not happy with our sex life are you? Is that what this is about?


Woman: I could use a good ending once in a while?


Man: Funny, I get them all the time.


Woman: Oh you’re so selfish!


Man: Hm, you say selfish. I say confident. I’ve never had a problem with the endings. These beginnings tho, they’re terrible.


Woman: Oh, and what is that supposed to mean?


Man: If only they had more inciting incidents I’d find more inspiration to write more!


Woman: You don’t think I’m horny enough for you do you! Is that what this is about???


Man: Yes! Yes it is! You don’t like me!


Woman: That’s because you don’t like me!


Shakespeare walks on stage. He’s now smoking a cigaret. Sia follows behind him, now smoking a cigar.


Shakespeare: Ah Sia, I knew you could whistle. But I’ve never heard that moan before?


Sia: Oh, I save them for the best. Just don’t ask for that on recordings anytime soon.


Man: Oh great, they’re stealing our scenes.


Woman: Good, at least they got their happy endings!


Sia: Oh it was so happy. Shakespeare did one of his tongue riddles. And they he starting saying the alphabet! It was so magical.


Shakespeare: I try not to brag but it’s true. I have an actor’s tongue with a writers mind!


Sia: His fingers aren’t bad either!


Shakespeare: It’s all the writing I do. Those quivers need a firm grip.


Sia: And yet it was so gentle!


Shakespeare: Oh, that’s just the sonnet speaking. Trust me, a gentle finger is one that has felt a storm.


Woman: Hm, at least someone has a poet in her life.


Man: Oh this is bullshit. Just because I can’t speak like a poet doesn’t mean I can’t get you off?


Woman: Is that so? And yet I haven’t had an orgasm in two years!


Man: Oh it has not been two years!


Woman: Wanna bet? I keep a diary! I count the days down until I feel one again!


Man: I bought you a vibrator for our anniversary! Wasn’t that enough?


Woman: A vibrator! A VIBRATOR! You give me a machine when it’s your tongue I long for!


Shakespeare: Ah, these 21st century problem. Methinks my tongue shall never stop speaking.


Sia: Oh Shakespeare, please say more.


Shakespeare: I feel an act coming on!


Sia: Ooh, I just felt something shiver up my spine. I could use another quickie!


Shakespeaere: I don’t know that word, but I think I can gather the meaning on this one rather soon! To our bed!


Sia and Shakespeare run offstage.


Woman: See! See how his words turned her on! Now they get to have sex!


Man: Oh that’s not what they’re talking about!


Woman: Oh you’re so stupid! He said to their bed! How can you not catch that?


Man: I guess wasn’t paying attention! I’m too distracted!


Woman: Then pay attention! I’m horny and I need an orgams. And my husband isn’t getting the job done.


Man: Then I’ll get you off next time!


Woman: I’m going to leave you!


Man: Fine! [To Mrs. Swift] Just end this damn scene already. I wasn’t planning on getting in a fight with my wife in front of the audience.


Woman: Oh that’s so like you! Just end the scene early! I can’t take it anymore! I want a Shakespeare or Mike!


Man: Oh, so you want a Mike now! A man that’ll cheat on you!


Woman: At least he’ll die for my scorn!


Man: Oh my god! I’ve heard it all! Just end this damn scene!


Director walks onstage with headphones on and clipboard!


Director: The script says their should be another page of dialog.


Man: Oh that’s bullshit. I was paid to improvise!


Director: That’s not what the script says! It says you guys fight for another page and then the scene ends with you vowing to quit.


Man; Fine, then I quit!


Man walks offsage


Woman: Oh that was such a terrible ending to this scene. He always quits too early. Just thinks he can get what he wants and walk off!


Director: That’s in the script!


Woman: Oh I quit too!


Woman walks offstage. Director is now alone.


Director: Hm, I guess this just leaves me. Well, this scene got ruined. Guess we just fade to black now don’t we? That or a solilquy.


Trump-look-alike: Just end the scene Pal! This one was terrible!


fade to black


end scene


Act 4 Scene 4


Enter Mike, alone on stage save for coffee table He has notebook and pen in hand, writing away on the pad.


Mike: Dear Sia, I am writing to inform you that I can no longer see you. I hope this isn’t too harsh but I have no other way of doing this. I have decided it is Stefani I am meant to be with. You must find it in your heart to forgive me for, for I have no other way to say it.


Sia walks unstage, unnoticed by Mike. She hears Mike writing and hides behind bush.


Sia: [aside] Oh dear! He’s writing his suicide note!


Mike: Stefani is the one for my heart, and I am the fool for breaking it.


Sia: [aise] And so it begins!


Mike: And now I must inform you for the last time, I no longer have feelings for you. And that is how I end this.


Sia: [aside] Wait, no longer has feelings for who? This isn’t a sucide letter at all. This is a break up!


Friend: Sh… he’s just writing a letter to you. This isn’t the note.


Sia: A letter to me. But that isn’t fair.


Friend: Wait, I thought you and Shakespeare.


Sia: Well…


Friend: And you still have feelings for him.


Sia: Well….


Frined: Oh lord you stupid women!


MIke puts notebook and pen on coffee table and pulls out a cigaret and has a puff.


Sia: Oh what am I supposed to do now?


Friend: Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?


Sia: But now we’re stuck behind this bush!


Friend: Why were we behind this bush in the first place?


Mike: Ah, I feel like I have turned a page.


Sia: I just wanted to see him write the note. Maybe I shouldn’t spy on him anymore and just leave him alone.


Friend: That’s a start. But guess what, I’m gonna make you talk to him.


Friend pushes Sia out behnid bush.


Sia: Ooompfh.


Mike: What the hell?


Sia: Oh hi Mike!


Mike: Sia, I’m so glad to see you. I just finished writing a letter to you.


Sia: Oh is that so. And what doe sit say?


Mike: I think it’s best if you just read it. [Mike hands Sia the letter]


Sia begins to read.


Friend: [aside] Ah, so this is what it’s like to have an aside. And so it begins then!


Sia finishes letter. She starts to slightly sob.


Sia: So it’s true then. She’s the one you must be with.


Mike: It is true.


Sia: I came up with the  same conclusion as well. And yet I shall never forget you.


Mike: I shall never either. But this is for the best.


Sia: Then I guess this is it.


Mike: It is.


Mike and Sia hug.


Friend: [aise] Nope, they’re aren’t ending this way.


Friend steps out from behind bush


Friend: Alright kids. I’ve seen enough. You’re not going to end it this way.


Mike: It’s the only way.


Sia: Mike is right.


Friend: Nope. You two have always been friends and I will not let you two just hug and never see each other again.


Mike: It’s the only way I’ll ever get over her.


Sia: I must follow him on this one. My heart cannot handle his face anymore.


Mike: Nor can mine. I must wash my memory of her existence and move on.


Friend: [sigh] Look, I love you both. And you both have lovely faces. But you must move over this. It was just one night, and you’ll both get over it. You just need some time apart. And Mike, you do need to get Stefani back. And Sia, you need to enjoy your new boyfriend and his Shakespearen tongue. And all of our problems will be solved.


Sia: But how can I talk to him when my heart will still yearn for his tips, despite the fact that I have found a Shakespearen tip?


Friend: Take that love and build a bond that can never be broken. And trust me, you’ll get some good conversations out of it.


MIke: I could use a conversation or two. Sometimes Stefani can be a bit much. I could use a woman to vent to.


Sia: Well, I could use a nice man to listen to. And tell him my own problems.


Friend: Then both of you shall always love eacher, and still yearn in your genitals, even tho you’ll say it’s your heart. And it shall be good. You be friends for life.


Sia: Lifelong friends huh.


Mike: Lifelong friends.


Sia: You are nice to talk to Mike.


Mike: I do enjoy your voice, just as much as your face.


Sia: Then could this work?


Mike: We probably shouldn’t have dinner together so much then.


Friend: Nonsense. There’s nothing wrong with seeing each other in person. You just need to hug and keep your feelings for each other to yourselves sometimes. And trust me, you’ll have each other in your minds for the moment, but you’ll have each other in your hearts for eternity. And that is what defines a good friendship.


Mike: Then it’s settled Sia. We shall remain friends.


Sia: Hooray!


Friend: Now Mike, we have bigger business to attend to. I know you’re going to pretend to kill youself to get Stefani back.


Mike: That is the plan.


Friend: Then Sia, will you explain to the audience why this plan will work and why you and Shakespeare came up with it?


Sia: Oh, well, a woman knows when a man is willing to kill himself over her she is the one for that man. Stefani just needs to see Mike’s devotion.


Mike: She shall.


Friend: Then Mike, how are you going to do it?


Mike: That is a good question, one I have no answer for the moment.


Friend: I think Sia has an idea.


Sia: I do!


Friend: Sia, why don’t you tell Mike your plan?


Mike: I could use a friend’s advice!


Sia: Ah, I could be a good friend in this instance. Mike, why don’t you make this funny and just buy some red paint and pretend you sliced your wrists!


MIke: Hm, Stefani always gets weak in the sight of blood. It could work.


Friend: Then it’s settled folks. Oh hey, here comes a can of paint right now.


Man enters stage with can of red paint.


Man: I can’t believe I’m still stuck in this damn play. I quit the last scene.


Friend: [to man] I hear ya pal. Sometimes I feel like our characters are the same. But I have a tip for you to. Why don’t you ask your wife why she isn’t getting off when you guys are together.


Woman enters stage.


Woman: I would like to hear that.


Man: [sighs and puts can of paint down] Well honey, why is our sex life in the dumps?


Woman: Oh it’s not in the dumps. Sometimes I just wish you would focus on me a little more and not so much on yourself.


Man: I try. It’s just it feels so good to get off.


Woman: Yes, and everytime you do you fall asleep. Couldn’t you share you Shakespearan tongue from time to time as well.


Man: My Shakespearen tongue huh?


Woman: Oh I know you’ve written a poem or two in your youth.


Friend: Poems huh? Bet she could use a new one.


Man: Oh lord. You two might make me blush. That was years ago.


Woman: And yet I see you write in the bathroom all the time.


Man: Well, that’s chicken scratch.


Woman: And yet sometimes when you crinkle the pages up and throw them in the trash I take them out and read them. And sometimes my heart just melts a little bit.


Man: You’re kidding!


Woman: Not this time honey.


Friend: Then pal, just go down on your wife sometimes.


Woman: And do it first. I’m tired of always starting sex off with a blowjob.


Man: I try! You don’t like it.


Woman: I’ve never said such a thing!


Man: Well, I guess could change it up. My tongue might get tired tho. It’s been a while.


Friend: Oh pal, I got a good friend that can give you some lessons. Trust me, he’s gay.


Man: Hm. I feel a little uncomfortable in this position, but maybe I’ll try it.


Mike: Ah, and to smell the scent while you’re down there!


Sia: Oh, it does feel good.


Friend: [addresses audience] Then folks, this is how we save a friendship and a marriage. What do you say Ms. Swift, how’d you like the scene.


T.. Siwft [sobbing} That’s what I paid for.


Friend: Ah, then we shall this act on a note of joy and happiness and cherish the love that is around us. But don’t leave yet folks, we have one more to go.


Fade to black


Act 5 Scene 1


Enter Mike, red paint can in hand and a bottle of wine in his other. He staggers across stage, a little too drunk.


Mike: To be or not to be. Such a great line. And yet so true. To be.


Mike takes a swig.


Mike: But not to be.


Mike takes another swig.


Mike paces the stage, now lost in thought. A few beats.


Mike: And if I am to be, she’ll surely kill me. Tho I could handle that. I do wonder how she would do it? I know she has a couple of guns. But that wouldn’t be her. She’d hire a hit man. [takes swig] She would hire a hit man. No she wouldn’t. I don’t think she’d even kill me. Sure, she’d say she would. Probably throw a few punches. But she would get over it. But now I have to tell her. And that shall be the end of me. [takes swig] To not to be. Such a fine choice. Easy route. Of course, I would have to do it. And that isn’t easy. But it is a way to end this suffering. Oh, if only Sia would have said yes. It would have ended my misery and started a new one. And yet how that one would have had a softer heart. Probably woudn’t threatent to kill me. Tho I think she would. And she would probably herself as well afterwards. Hm. Then it is to be. [takes swig] And if it is to be. Stefani has a heart of gold. Such a wonderful smile. She’d just laugh eventually. Probably dump me first. I could handle that. I know we’d still talk. [takes swig] And if she did dump me? Hm. I’d be devestated. I couldn’t go on. Then it would be to not to be. Alas then, I have found the answer to my own question. [takes swig and looks at bottle] Ah such a fine wine. It’s not to be. [Mike downs the whole bottle and starts staggering across the stage] And what shall I do it with?


Two construction workers bring a solid oak table on stage followed by a single table chair.


Construction woker 1: Hey pal, we got ya a table for this scene. Whatcha gonna do it with tho?


Mike: Perhaps a gun?


Taylor Swift in audience: Woah woah woah. I said there were children in the audience. Don’t make this so dark.


Mike: Ah, perhaps a knife then.


Trump look alike (in audience): I’ll allow it.


Construction Worker pal 2: We’ll get you a knife Mike. But do you really want to stab yourself? That might hurt.


Mike: Shit, they’re right.


Friend walks on stage and slaps a knife down on the stage.


Friend to audience: Folks, he’s gonna need a knife for this scene.


Friend walks offstage.


Construction Worker 1: Have you ever tried sleeping pills? I heard those work pretty well.


Mike: Ah, a fine nap before it ends all together. And yet it would take more than one and less than 20. I couldn’t do no more.


Trump look alike: Take 5.


Mike: Ah, but 5 wouldn’t be enough.


Construction worker 1: Could help you sleep tho.


Mike: Ah. Some rest would do me well. Then it’s settled. Sleeping pills it shall be.


Sia walks onstage.


Sia to audience: I would never do this. And yet it was I who recommended this terrible idea in the first place.


Sia takes Mike’s hand and opens fist and places bottle of pills in Mike’s hand.


Sia: [whispers] I love you. [kisses Mike’s cheek.]


Sia walks offstage.


Construction worker 2: That is one beautiful scene.


Construction worker 1: (To c w 2) Jesus. I just wanted to be in the audience for that one.


Construction Worker 1: Ah well. At least we got to be part of something special for this one.


Construction Worker 2: And we got payed.


Construction workers walk offstage.


MIke (holds bottle of pills up high): Ah just 5 pills. Enough for a good rest. Stefani said she’d be over in a few hours. I’ll only take a few and wake when she arrives. And then we shall have a chat. And I’ll tell her. Ah what do I know. I’m such a fool. That is what I need to do. My friend was right. I should have just told her and not her assistant. I’m such a fool. 10 it shall be. [mike pops pill bottle open and pulls one pill out] 1) To forget her. [swallows pill and pulls another one out 2) To remember her. [Mike swallows pill and pulls 3rd out]


Trump look alike: Hey pal. This soliloquy starting to get a little long. Just take 5 and call it a night!


Taylor Swift in audience: I’ll allow it.


Trump look alike: That’s my girl.


Mike: (dumps 2 more pills out) Then 5 it shall be. (Mike downs the pills and takes a final swig from the wine bottle. He staggers some more and slams the wine bottle onto stage floor, shattering the bottle). Those were a little too powerful. (Mike staggers some more, stumbling across the stage. As he moves he knocks the paint can over, spilling red paint all over the floor. He trips and falls and lands in the pool of paint.)


Fade to black



A single light now shines on stage left. Butler enters as stage light follows him.


Butler to audience: A few hours go by.


Butler exits stage


Stefani (offstage): Great. Now I’m late. This better be important.


New assistant (also offstage): Mrs. Germonotta, please stop walking so fast. I can’t keep up.


Stefani: I hired you to follow me everywhere I went.


New assistant: But why do I have to wear these heels everywhere I go?


Stefani: Oh shush…they look hot on you.


Stefani: We’ve arrived. Just wait by the door till I call you. This will only take a minute. I’ll just dump him and leave.


Stefani walks onstage and sees Mike: (A loud gasp) He didn’t! (rushes over to mike’s body that is lying in red paint) Oh my god. Is that blood? (kneels down and dips finger in paint. tastes it) Oh my god. It is blood! Or is it? I don’t think I ever tasted it. It must be. But what’s a can of paint doing here? Oh my god I’m so stupid. He’s just trying to fool me. (kicks Mike) Mike wake up. You’re not fooling me this time.


Mike remains motionless. Stefani kicks him harder.


Stefani: I said wake up dammit. I know you’re pulling a fast one.


Mike still remains motionless


Stefani: Oh Jesus Christ. He’s not faking it. (Stefani starts to franticly pace around stage.) What did he do it with this time? (Stefani sees pill bottle on ground. Loud gasp). Huh. He popped pills this time. I bet he did it for real. OH NO! He always said when he got it down to pills it would be for real. (starts sobbing) I’m so stupid. How could I not see it was Sia he was supposed to be with afterall! (falls on knees) Now what am I supposed to d?. I was only going to dump him and then make up with him after he called me and told me what happened. Now I’m ruined. (Stefani pulls off wig and throws it to audience) Oh let the heavens rain down upon my soul the water that shall rinse the misery that is my existance. I shall live a life as a nun and be celibate forever.


Trump lookalike: Bullshit.


Stefani: Maybe not. No I shall. I shall never get over this. If only I will let him talk at those afterparties. I know why he doesn’t go. Oh god damn it. I’m just so stupid. (Starts sobbing) Where’s my wig. I miss my hair.


Stefani stands up and starts frantically looking for wig. As she searches she finds shards of empty wine bottle.


Stefani: I bet he smashed a bottle of wine. Probably cheap wine too! (sigh) Pills and cheap wine. And I wasn’t invited. Oh how I wish I would have done it with him. Tho I would a wrist. But pills would have been nice. And now I shall be a nun and never open my legs to anyone ever again. That is the state of my existance! Oh dear, where’s my wig. I shall get over this.


Stefani starts searching again. As she searches she see knife on table.


Stefani: What’s this. A knife! (holds knife and looks at it) Oh, 17th century. Probably worth a lot. Where the hell did Mike get this from? And this table. Solid oak. Probably would do good in an auction. Hm. And this chair. Ah, such a fine chair to sit in. I shall have a seat.


(stefani sits)


Stefani: Wait a minute. Where’s the note? He didn’t leave a note! No goodbye, no text, just nothing. And now I’m the one holding this knife. I bet Sia set this scene up. And now I want to do it. That bitch! Ah, but she is so wonderful. I understand why Mike did it. She has such a lovely face.


Friend walks onstage: Such a lovely nose.


Stefani: Such a lovely nose.


Butler walks onstage: I say, what a nice chin.


Stefani: Such a nice chin.


Sia walks onstage: Don’t forget the breasts.


Stefani: She does have hot breasts.


Friend: Hey Stefani.


Stefani: How’s it going Brad?


Friend: Why don’t you just do it and get it over with.


Stefani: You think I should?


Friend: I think you should.


Stefani: I would need some alone time first.


Friend: We can do that. (To audience) What do you think folks? Should we end it here?


Loud boo from the audience


Man walks onstage: I told you they needed an inciting incident.


Woman walks onstage: That’s not what going on.


Man; Then what the hell is happening!


Woman: It’s post modern. Just give it a minute.


Man: Ah, then I have watch this till the end.


Woman: You can’t can’t you?


Man: (starts sobbing) It’s too much.


Loud boo from audience.


Man: Oh you don’t like that do you! Well then I quit.


Woman: Quit what?


Man: This play!


Woman: (starts screaming) We’re in a play!


Man: Oh quit it already!


Woman: I’m just fucking with ya.


Butler picks up a broken piece of glass: This cheap wine has got to go.


Butler walks offstage.


Sia: So Stefani. Can you get over it?


Stefani: Of course I can. But now what do I do?


Sia: That knife really shines doesn’t it.


Stefani: It is valuable.


Sia (to audience): Then I’ve done my job.


Sia walks offstage.


Friend: Hey Stefani.


Stefani: Hey Brad!


Friend: Just do it and get this scene over with. This play does have a happy ending.


Stefani: For who tho?


Friend: Well, at least one audience member will go home satisfied.


Stefani: Then I have to do it don’t I.


Friend: It’s the only way to get over him.


Stefani: Alright Brad. I’ll listen to you.


Friend (to audience): Then I’ve done my job. [aside] She won’t do it tho.


New assistant from offstage: I heard that!


Friend: Ah this is fun.


Stefani: Brad, who you talking to?


Friend: Don’t worry about it kid.


Friend walks offstage.


Stefani (now holding knife up high): Oh sweet sorrow. Such a shiny knife. Mike knows how to pick a good one. (Pricks finger on tip) Aw. That one is sharp. (tastes blood on finger) So that’s what blood tastes like? I kinda like it. Salty….oh shit what am I saying? That’s something Mike would say.


Mike starts to murmur: Uh.


Stefani: (looks over to Mike) He didn’t just murmur did he?


Mike: Uh.


Stefani looks again: I think he just murmured. (sigh) Then that sonofabitch did fake it. (gets up and walks over to pill bottle and shakes it. LOUD RATTLING) Oh I’m so stupid. The bottle is still full. I bet he took ten.


Trump lookalike: I told him to take 5.


Stefani: I bet he took 5. (throws pill bottle to audience) 5 sleeping pills and a cheap bottle of wine. He probably drank it too fast and passed out. And I think he killed himself. (sighs) I’m so stupid. (starts sobbing) I’m so stupid. I fall for this everytime.


Mike: Uh.


Stefani: Oh, and now he’s gonna be hung over. And he’s going to tell me about it. He’ll probably apologize. I bet he’ll tell me the details too. I would want to know. I’ve always wanted to…no I don’t. But I do. Oh god, I’m so stupid. Mike probably tried this time and chickened out. He always does. And here I am holding this sharp knife.


Blood starts to drip from Stefani’s finger


Stefani: And now my finger’s bleeding. (sucks on index finger) Ow, that really does hurt. And he bought a knife. And that beautiful oak table. Probably just for me. And now he’s drunk. And going to tell me how wonderful it was. And I have to hear every detail. Oh, I’m so stupid. And I just want to dump him to get back at me for last time. I’m so stupid. (Stefani sits at the oak table) And there was no note. He probably got drunk, popped some pills, and passed out. I don’t know why he had red paint tho. Oh I’m so stupid. He was trying to fool me. And I bet Brad probably put him up to it. And yet I feel so sad. He’ll tell me every detail. He’ll tell me every detail. He’ll tell me every fucking detail! And he’ll apologize! God damn him. Why does he always do this to me! And why did he tell my assistant and not me.


Assistant: (in cardboard Ferarri with nick jonas trailer behind her) Vroom vroom vroom. I bet he was too scared to tell you but had to get it off his chest.


Stefani: I bet he just needed to get it off his chest. And I bet he feels guilt. And I fired my assistant over this. Oh I’m so stupid.


Assistant: It’s okay. I kinda like these stick shifts now. Vroom vroom vroom. (Starts dancing around stage and bumps into a wall) Oh dammit. There’s another dent.


Nick Jonas: Don’t worry. I can pay for the insurance.


Assistant: This is kinda fun. Vroom vroom vroom


Assistant and Nick Jonas dance offstage.


Stefani: Jesus. I feel like shit now. I fired my assistant of 9 years. And it was almost our ten year anniversary. And she was so hot! Oh my god! And this new one. I made hier walk 5 miles in those heels!


New assistant walks onstage in heels trembling around: My feet hurt so much. And my calves. I have to quit.


Stefani: Oh Jesus. She’s going to think I’m such a bitch. (starts sobbing) I am such a bitch.
Mike: Uh.


Stefani: And now Mike is going to see me so distraught. He’ll probably try to soothe me. I’m so stupid. And this damn knife. Probably victorian. Probably blew his allowance on it.


Mike: Uh, that knife cost two paychecks.


Stefani: Oh God! He used his own money on this beautiful knife. And here I am. Holding it above my heart. Oh sweet sorrow. And that assistant. I miss her so much. I’m so stupid.


Mike: Uh, why did I tell the assistant and not her?


Stefani: And now it’s beginning. He reels remorse. He’s going to tell me. And I fired my assistant over his dumb ass. Oh I’m so stupid. And now I can’t get over her face. Such a lovely dimple nose. Perfectly cut chin.. And those eyes.


Sia offstage: Don’t forget the breasts!


Stefani: And I got to see her breasts sometimes. Oh I’m stupid. And here I am thinking I’m going to kill myself over him when it’s her that breaks my heart. Oh I’m stupid.


Taylor Swift: Please Stefani. Stop calling yourself stupid. I paid for a good ending on this one.


Stefani: Oh I’m such a fool. I can’t go on. But I won’t do it for him. I’ll do it for her. Because I fired the greatest assistant the world has ever known. And now I miss her face! (starts sobbing) And now I have no pen to write a note. Oh I’m such a fool!


Mike: Uh. I’m so stupid.


Stefani: And now it begins for real. Whatever shall I do.


Loud shout from audience: Just do it already!


fade to black


light shines on Stefani


Stefani: (Holding knife above heart) And so it begins!


fade to black


light shines on Mike’s body


Mike shakes head and stands up: Oh Jesus! That was a good nap! Oh hell, what time is it? I have to get ready to tell her everything. (gasp)


Second light shines on Stefani, still holding knife above heart.


Stefani: Oh sweet sorrow. It shall end.


Stefani attempts to stab herself. Mike rushes over to her and grabs her arm.


Mike: Stefani!


Stefani: Mike!


Mike: What the hell are you doing?


Stefani: I was going to end it all!


Mike: But why?


Stefani: I couldn’t bear to hear you tell me about it! [aside] Tho really it was her that drove me to it.


Mike: Well, I have to tell you!


Stefani: Could you spare some details.


Mike: You’ll want to know tho.


Stefani: Then I shall do it. (raises knife again)


Mike: Fine! I’ll leave out the fact that I didn’t get off. We just slept together in my bed and I lost my hard on because of the condom.


Stefani: (puts down knife) Wait. You used a condom with her?


Mike: I told you I’d never wear one with you.


Stefani: And you lost your hard on?


Mike: It was kinda embarrassing.


Stefani: Kinda funny if you think about it.


Mike: Sia didn’t laugh.


Sia offstage: Yes I did!


Sia: I bet she did and you’re embarrassed about it.


Mike: Just a little. We did talk afterwards tho.


Stefani: And what did she say…


Mike: Well…


Stefani: Mike, what did she say?


Mike: (starts sobbing) You’ll dump me if I tell you.


Stefani: Mike, just tell me.


Mike: And you won’t dump me?


Stefani: I’ll reconsider it.


Mike: I can’t.


Stefani: Please.


Mike: She told me she loved me.


Stefani: And let me guess, you said it first?


Mike: Oh you know me too well. I’m just a damn romantic. It was only as a friend tho. [aside] How I hate lying to her.


Stefani: I heard it Mike. You’re talking to yourself now. You just lied to me and told me you loved her only as a friend and now I’m going to dump you for real.


Mike: Maybe it was as a friend and as a lover. I don’t even know why it happened.


Stefani: Because you’re like me. You just love everybody.


Mike: We are two peas in a pod.


Stefani: Oh stop saying that shit.


Mike: Will you take me back?


Stefani: I need to rehire my assistant.


Mike: You were going to do it for her weren’t you?


Stefani: Maybe.


Mike: Oh Stefani. We’re so stupid!


Taylor Swift: Ahem!


Mike: Oh Stefani. We’re such fools.


Stefani: We are stupid tho aren’t we.


Trump look alike: I’ll allow it.


Taylor Swift: Mr Trump, please let me have my play.


Trump look alike: Alright kid. You got some spunk.


Stefani: So what do we do now?


Mike: Well. I got a good night’s rest. Do you want breakfast?


Stefani: Mike it’s eight o’clock at night. It’s too late for breakfast.


Butler offstage: It’s never too late for breakfast!


Stefani: Oh what does it matter? This is just a stupid play.


Mike: That one hurts.


Stefani: Can you deal with that?


Mike: Ah a woman after my own heart!


Sia offstage: (sobbing) Oh it’s so true! She is the one for him!


Stefani: Then can we get over this Mike?


Mike: And you promise not to dump me?


Stefani:  No I promise not to dump you.


Mike: Then I shall end this stupid play.


Trump look alike: It’s not stupid pal!


Mike: And yet it is! I’m such a fool for cheating on her!


Stefani: Then just kiss me and we shall get over this!


Mike: I shall oblige.


fade to black


Act 5 Scene 2


Man: What the hell was that about? And why the hell didn’t they get to kiss!


Woman: Haven’t you ever seen Romeo and Juliet?


Man: But they didn’t do it!.


Woman: It was still romantic!


Man: Romantic! Bah, that was horrific!


Woman: You men have no sense of adventure!


Man: Adventure! They just tried to off themselves!


Women [sighs as she rests her head on mans arm]: And it was so romantic… Won’t you kiss me now?


Man: Bah! A kiss! How can I kiss you when I just watched that happen!


Woman: Oh shush. You have no sense of danger or excitement. You’re too much a logical thinker!


Man: Well why wouldn’t I be a logical thinker?


Woman: Because your heart still beats!




Man:My heart does beat doesn’t it?


Woman: I can hear it now.


Man attempts to kiss her. Loud screech from audience.


Taylor Swift [sitting in audience]: Woah woah woah, we do not want that ending. We want some humor in this play!


Man: [now romantic] Sh darling. [Strokes her hair.] Don’t let these fools ruin a good moment. [Kisses her]


fade to black


Taylor Swift: Nope. I invested in this play and I want a funny ending!


Lights pop back on


Woman: That was lovely wasn’t it.


Man: Shall I chase you now?


Woman: [sighs] Ah, if you insist.


Man: It shall only be for a moment.


Woman: And for a moment it shall be!


Woman hops off man’s arms and gets in crouching position. Scrounges face.


Woman: You’ll never get me!


Man: [Clears throat loudly] And when I do?


Woman: They’ll never get what they want from us then!


Man: A woman of my heart. [strikes a pose] On guard!


[Woman screeches and man starts to chase her.]


[Butler enters stage and addresses audience]:


Butler: Dear audience, which ending shall you choose? Think carefully and ponder deeply upon the riddle that can be solved, for that is the key to this one.




Lights fade to black


End play



About Michael Medlen

My name is Michael and during my free time I avoid having a day job. Strangely enough, this gives me the freedom to run this blog. I write just about anything that can be considered art. I also occasionally post articles that may or may not be relevant to the theme of this site. You’ve been warned.
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