Two men sitting at a theater box outside in cold weather

Two men sitting at a theater box outside in cold weather

 

1: This shit is cold

 

2: What shit

 

1: The shit that never ends

 

2: Ah, you mean life.

 

1: No no no. I mean the weather. The shit. You know! The Shit!

 

2: No, I don’t know the shit. What is the shit??!

 

1: The weather!

 

2: Then call it the weather!

 

1: I just did!

 

2: No, you called it the shit!

 

1: Get a coffee bro. We’re in some fucked up play.

 

2: Life is a play my friend.

 

1: You’re acting out of character.

 

2: Call me schizophrenic.

 

[A psychiatrist pops out of thin air]

 

P: Did someone call for a doctor.

 

1: Ah shit son. We gotta get the fuck out of this dimension.

 

2: Call it the shit.

 

1: Well, whatever the fuck we’re in. This shit’’s getting real.

 

2: Now you got it.

 

P: Ah, I shall name you mentally ill. Come with me if you want to live.

 

1: Bro, heard that shit before. Ain’t going there.

 

P: We have free coffee.

 

2: And donuts.

 

P: Well, no donuts. No free HBO either. This ain’t the Ritz now.

 

2: A gal has standards. Can’t go with that shit.

 

1: That ain’t the shit.

 

2: Then what is it?

 

1: The weather!

 

2: But the weather is called the weather!

 

P: You two are nuts. Here’s some pills that might make you feel a little woozy.

 

1: No thanks doc. That’s what alcohol is for.

 

[Politician pops out of thin air]

 

Pol.: Ah, good ol alcoholics. I might have to make that illegal.

 

1: Shit Po. It’s a democrat.

 

2: I thought we were democrats.

 

1: I went libertarian a year ago.

 

Pol. Wanna hear a joke son?

 

P: This shit is not a joke.

 

2: Wait, what is the shit again?

 

1: The weather!

 

2: But that’s not what he’s referring to.

 

[English major pops out of thin air]

 

English Major: People, words can refer to more than one thing.

 

1: Oh shit, a fucking scholar.

 

2: A fuck. Now our brain’s are going to hurt.

 

P: I have a pill for that!

 

Pol.: I can make that illegal if you two will pay me a hefty bribe.

 

1: Ah, a crooked politician. The most honest kind if I ever met one.

 

2: I’ve met two.

 

1: You’re poor soul.

 

2: I ain’t poor. Just a bum with no friends but some people who won’t leave my head.

 

[2 Gets up off stage floor and faces audiences]

 

2: Fellow audience members. This shit ain’t a joke.

 

P: No it ain’t. Now you all take your damn pills and go bedy bedy.

 

[A plant in audience starts screaming]

 

2: Look, a fellow psch ward survivor. I surely tell you all you fools. You’re all dooomed.

 

1: [waves hand] Ah shut up. You’re scaring the imaginary people.

 

Pol.: Well, this shit got a little too crazy. It’s back to dimension 1 for me.

 

[pol unzips dimension in air and walks thru it]

 

P: I didn’t see that.

 

1: I did.

 

2: We’re really in the shit.

 

English Major: Now you’re getting it. Well my work is done.

 

[English major farts and opens a hole in time. It sucks him thru it as he waves to the audience members]

 

P: I definitely didn’t see that.

 

1: Starting to feel crazy doc.

 

P: I’m getting a litle warm. Maybe I outta take a pill. [takes a pill out of his pocket] Ah shit, this stuff makes my head hurt.

 

2: Kill yourself with your poison snake oil.

 

P: Starts choking.

 

1: I forgot to give you a name earlier. Now our imaginary friends are confused about who this person is.

 

2: [back to audience] he’s a psyhciatrist!!!!

 

1: This shit got heavy.

 

2: What shit?

 

[rain appears on stage]

 

1: The weather!

 

Fade to black

 

pause

 

lights light up again, solo light on psychiatrist, now choking on his own vomit.

 

P: I now have seen the error of my ways. I shall die on the pills I gave out as candy.

 

1: Horray!

 

P: [dies slow death]

 

2: This shit got real. I just wish I knew what the shit was.

 

1: The weather.

 

Lights out

 

End Play

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About Michael Medlen

My name is Michael and during my free time I avoid having a day job. Strangely enough, this gives me the freedom to run this blog. I write just about anything that can be considered art. I also occasionally post articles that may or may not be relevant to the theme of this site. You’ve been warned.
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