While searching for a series of essays by John Adams on beauty on aristocracy and power I finally realized what I am in moments of pure triumph. Having stumped Google in a search for these collections, Google was unable to precisely pinpoint the source of knowledge I was looking for.
Having felt joy in stumping what I think is the most powerful pop search engine on the internet, I felt release of joy by finally posting my first question on Quora.com on the subject.
The problem with this joy is tho that after reflecting on why I felt so proud of my accomplishment in front of God and others, God finally threw the reflection of my guilt right back at me. I was drunk on power.
It was a hard lesson to accept, and one I had to face on my own, even in the presence of ze (his gender neutral pronoun to use instead of the pronoun “him”). I started to look back at my life and saw another moment of power drunkenness, one that I often find great joy and reflection in.
It was 1o years ago in a debate class at the University of Toledo that I won a debate off what my classmates deemed a “perfect speech” against a female opponent who had insulted my classmate and friend in a previous debate. I didn’t recognize it then, but reflecting on it now in this moment of insecurity and guilt I realized I was the bad guy in this situation, despite my pursuit of justice against my enemy.
It’s amazing how quick the brain can recall such an invent in a temporary moment of insanity and find these connections, and one that may haunt me for a while. I saw myself for who I am and can be: vindictive, power drunk, gloating, boastful, and probably worst of all, a politician in the cruelest and demeaningenst sense of the term.
Which brings me back to the beginning of this post. What do you do when you see yourself for who you are?
I recently completed an internship with the Hillary Clinton campaign here in Ohio and am seeking a volunteer position with helping a city councilman race this coming fall, and now realize I have become the one who is susceptible to corruption that entails from the achievement of victory and power. And to be honest, that does frighten me, as well humble me, tho not in a good way. I don’t know if I can ever be the leader I think I am capable of being. And that’s how I have to end this. There is no resolution to this feeling in this moment, only looking thru the glass clearly and seeing myself for who I am. One who takes victory and relishes in it.
There will be more to come on this topic, specifically in dealing with artists and the prize of accomplishment and pride in completing an artifact that brings joy to the creator(s). I hope I can find some peace in this moment and bring some harmony back into my own soul. Because a politician is not what I aim for. A leader is what I am to achieve.