Confessions of a Vegan

I don’t like bacon. There, I said it. I don’t like it. I don’t hate it either. I just don’t get the love for it. Especially when it’s cooked to a tasteless crisp, not burnt and yet not quite the tender fat that it should eaten as. And yet people swear by it. Bacon is awesome! Bacon is god! How can you tell if someone love bacon? Because they’ll make sure to tell ya. Zing!

Man that joke sucked.

But my god, if you switch the word vegan for bacon lover, people will go ecstatic. “Those fucking vegans, always spouting at the mouth about their beliefs and shit, encroaching on my God given right to eat animals, trying to moralize me. Get the fuck off my lawn!” Bitch, I’ll eat your fucking grass with a healthy serving of tofu, add the brown rice please.

I kid.

Being a vegan kinda sucks. You’re literally doomed to eat tofu and beans for the rest of your life, and while beans and tofu can be awesome (simmer that soy in some sriracha and garlic powder and bam you got a delight of sensation) it gets pretty damn boring. I’m one to cook my own meals, as well as one to pinch a penny whenever I can. And I’ve come to the realization that I’m limited on my choices of what to eat without denting my wallet. Tofu ain’t that bad where I live. For a 12 oz container that comes out to about 3 servings I have to dish out 3 bucks, not unlike what I would dish out if I were paying for those processed boneless chicken cuts you can find at Walmart. Ditto with rice and veggies. I ain’t going broke eating the shit. But while my wallet is fine with the stuff, my stomach and tongue beg for mercy.

“Mike,” they say, “when are we going to taste something different buddy?”

As usual, my brain cooly and collectively responds, “Never muthafucker, you gonna eat this shit for the rest of your days. Now man up nigga!”

I’m white by the way, and I realize I might have offended someone. I understand my humor might not be for you. I’m sorry.

Why am I writing this? I love not eating meat. It makes me feel superior. That’s right bitches, while I may never gloat to your face about how much better and cooler than I am compared to your carnevorious ass, you better damn well be aware that I have placed myself on the higher step of the ladder when it comes to priorities and morales. Eat your meat bitch, I’m having lentils and chickpeas for lunch! Oh you want steak? I’ll dish out 6 bucks for a meager 3 servings of seitan from the local health food store that honestly believes GMOs will give you cancer and grow a 3rd nipple. They’re definitely voting for Jill Stein yo.

This is where I admit I’m an intern for the HIllary Clinton campaign, and hopefully when you unfortunate stranger stumble across this inconsequential rambling you will be demoralized that this chick won.

So what am I saying? I don’t miss meat, and I don’t care if that statement makes you uncomfortable. To be truthful, I do wish more people would at least entertain the idea of trying out a meatless meal or two. Why cut yourself off from some wonderful Indian okra dipped in a spicy marsala because it doesn’t have a few slices of a chicken’s butt? (Chickens have butts right?) Why do you say tofu tastes like shit when you never have even tried that delightful sponge that tastes exotic and yet comforting at the same time? Soak that shit in teriyaki overnight and top it off with some gut busting fiber filled brown rice and veggies simmered in some refreshing canola oil? That stuff is the bomb! And don’t tell me you’ll never eat it, because you muthafuckers drink American beer, and if you can say that shit tastes good, you can damn well stomach some tofu.

But I digress.

I’m well aware that I’m fighting an uphill battle. How can we care about animals when people in America deny that cops kill black people unjustified? We can’t even get a civil rights amendment passed to the Constitution. How the fuck are we going to defend creatures that can’t communicate?

Unless it’s a dog of course, because dogs are more than just animals, they’re “companions”.

It’s kind of funny actually. People will get mortified of other people eating dogs and cats, as if they’re killing their own friends. “That’s” just wrong,” they say. It’s also convenient that the stereotype is that Chinese people are the ones who do this, because my god, they’re so backwards!

I wonder cows  feel about this? From what I’ve read, they’re loving creatures. People feel a wonderful attachment to those genuine beauties, and they definitely served a far more useful purpose in the grand scheme of things than a dog who will happily take a dump outside of the house as long as you pet it. I don’t understand how people can call one animal more important than an another based on some arbitrary law that says dogs are more than just animals. It’s almost as if they call themselves white, and all the other animals are some inferior race of species. Sound familiar?

But I don’t care. And I know you do. Otherwise you wouldn’t gloat when I eat fucking cottage cheese for a snack because I’m damn well aware I can’t afford a more protein dense snack for that bang of a buck. Yep, I’m a vegan that eats cottage cheese. Even eggs sometimes. I’m a fucking hypocrite.

But goddamnit all, I’m trying. And I’ll tell you what, as soon I get a little richer, I’m gonna be slurping up some mighty fine tempeh for breakfast every morning, right along with a nice scoop of spicy guacamole and some fine salsa. Then I’ll say goodbye to eggs forever, or at least until we stop killing male chicks to help support egg farms. That’s right, I said that. You’re probably gagging right now. It’s okay. I love those little guys.

And dammit, I’ll be the first to dish out 40 bucks per serving to get first dibs at some artificially lab grown meat that probably won’t taste nearly as good as cow’s shoulder or loin, because damnit, I’ll be rich and I will support this cause.

I love animals. And I love people. Even Trump supporters. Just don’t friend me on Facebook. Please and thank you.

Oh yeah, I don’t care that you eat meat and love it. I just had beef lasagna for lunch because I’m stuck at work at honestly can’t afford to go to Burger King and buy a damn veggie burger at the moment. Vote with your wallet kids, support with your heart. And fight the patriarchy that tells you you need to eat a pig’s butt that is burnt to a fucking crisp. Everyone knows bacon tastes better when it’s chewy don’t ya know. Just don’t tell my vegan friends I said that.

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About Michael Medlen

My name is Michael and during my free time I avoid having a day job. Strangely enough, this gives me the freedom to run this blog. I write just about anything that can be considered art. I also occasionally post articles that may or may not be relevant to the theme of this site. You’ve been warned.
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